Monday morning approached quicker than I could prepare myself for.
But I can't say that I wasn't ready to get back to the better part of my life — The normal one.
Though, the depression that has settled into my system since arriving to work this morning is making me feel unsure of what's normal going to look like.
I feel so numb and low. Like what am I supposed to do now? The only constant thing I've had in life that made a good difference was my grandma. Now that I don't have that, what am I supposed to do?
I could be just fine with my best friend being my family. Her family and people have always made me feel at home when I'm away from home. But now that my home is gone, what?
Friends are great, but there is nothing like your own family. And here it is Monday and I haven't received a single call to see if I made it back to the city safely, let alone now I'm feeling from mine.
I am fucking alone now. And I have to come to terms with this shit quick, because if keep waiting and holding my breath to see if my parents care, I'd die...
Man I wish my life was normal.. not even the best, just normal .... Like how the dynamic of a family is supposed to be. Doesn't even have to be big, just loving. The kind that doesn't change every couple of months just because the wind blows. A constant.
"But, I am not one of the lucky ones." I sigh, dropping my head back looking up at the roof of the bathroom. Closing my eyes tight and practicing the breathing that I was told to do when these feelings consume me.
A waste of fucking time, because the tears dropped anyway.
When I was young, I had no idea how deeply their absence would harm me. My grandmother did all she could to be my constant thing. But as a grandmother, it's only so far that you can go to raise a child that's not yours.
It's gonna sound selfish, but I honestly would rather them not exist in my life at all. Than to do what they've done to me over the years. Like come in, and make me feel love for them just to toss me to the side when I begin to crave their presence too much. To love, and not be loved in return, To want and not be wanted, To feel care for someone who could care less whether you're thriving or drowning in misery. Those were my feelings of torment that I faced growing up. And it is a cycle that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy.
I'm so grateful for My grandmother. Her presence made the difference. But she couldn't protect me from everything. She didn't get to warn me about how dark, cold, and exploitive that this road could be. And by the time she said wanted to, it was too late. I was already hurt by every man that entered my life.
And yet I still craved love. Boy was I stupid.
Knowing love as lightly as I do. And I don't mean family love .... I mean the ones that you ready about in books, fairytales and shit like that. I had no idea how hard it was to reach. I've never really had it honestly. Wouldn't know it if it hit me in the face.... But if I've learned nothing else through this process of growing through what I've gone through... I know that the foundation of it isn't physical.
It's much much more intimate ... and deeply rooted in something that I've yet to experience...
I used to want it, so bad. That I'd put myself in unspeakable positions. Dealing with men that I never should have never allowed to speak to me, let alone touch me. Oh, the pains I've had to deal with from allowing that.
I know better now.. you couldn't pay me to even attempt to seek love. It's a privilege to experience, so not everyone can. I'm grateful for the taste of it that I did get... But I know better than to believe that it's something I'll experience again.
