Dear Dad's

Dear Dad

Do I miss my dad?

I was in denial about it for a long time because of hate. because of rage and hurt. But it took me becoming a dad to come to peace on how I feel about mine. So This screenshot hits hard and on point. I don't think I told anyone this. So I'm here to tell you one of my most painful and most sensitive life experience I dealt with. Something I been holding deep inside for far to long. I'm here to tell you dad if you ever get to read this. I'm sorry you wasn't strong enough to deal with your demons. So if your reading this and feel this. Your not alone.

I haven't spoken to my dad in over 13 years. Do I know why? Yeah. Do I really know why? Maybe. The truth? Who knows. My mom and dad split up 13 years ago. I won't go that deep into it. But here is a taste.

Do I miss waking up on a Saturday and watching the Cubs game with you.
Sitting there. Calling out the next pitches or you giving me Greg Maddux stats and how he is a future hall of famer.
Or how "this year is the Cubs year"
Or watching Kerry wood 20k game live screaming "there's another one".
Or how about jumping up and down throwing high fives when Sammy Sosa did that hop! we all knew "that ball is gone"
You would always mute the tv and just listening to the radio because "Ron santos calls way better games"

Do I miss standing up singing the 7th inning stretch or the national anthem.

Do I miss that police scanner on them rainy days when you would just take a nap with the window open while I play on my game boy.

Do I miss staying up late during the summer playing video games. Then hearing your alarm clock go off 3x. Having to go in in your room to wake you up and ask if you were going to work or not. I Knew once I started hearing the Andy griffin show dad is running late!
Then you would thank me before leaving and when you got home. For some reason that was one of the best feelings.
I felt so proud. It Sounds dumb I know. But to me, it made me feel good. Like I did something good for you.

Do I miss my baseball games and when I'm there just looking all in the crowd to see if you was there or not. It was always a hit or miss but I was always looking.
But I knew once we got home why you didn't make it. And what was more important than my game.
I knew the other side of my dad was home. The side I didn't like. The side of my dad with a drink. The Annoying, ignorant, selfish and shit starter. Always starting some bs with either my mom or siblings. Putting fear in all of us. Blasting the music, which the music I didn't mind cause who doesn't like journey tbh. But Till this day, I just don't understand. I may never will. But them nights.
Those nights I just wanted them to be over with and fast. Just so I can wake up to you wanting to watch the cubs game with me just one more time.

Dad, you wasn't the best father. But you wasn't the worst.

So do I miss you?
No. I do not.

Do I miss the small good memories we may had made together.
Yes, yes I miss them.

Do I wish we made more good memories?
Yes. I really wish we did.
But we did not.

Do I ever wonder why you didn't reach out?
Yes.
Do I ever wonder what made you the way you were?
Yes.
Do I ever wonder why you continued to be the way you were when you knew you was tearing this family apart?
Yes.
Do I ever wonder if I will ever be like you.
Yes. All the time. But I will not be! I won't be like you! I won't give up on mine!

Do I wish I had a dad to call growing up about relationship issues.
Do I wish I had a dad that would tell me their life experiences and what I have to look forward to?
Do I wish I had a dad that would help me get up when I would be down? To give me the rocky speech that you loved so much. A dad to tell me
"I'm always gonna love you no matter what. No matter what happens. You're my son and you're my blood."
Do I wish I had a dad that would just say "Joey, come here. I got you." When all I wanna do is fuckin scream!!!!
Yes I do!!!
I so fuckin wish I did!
Growing up not knowing what to do and how to do things, having to figure them out on my own sucked! It sucked dad! This shit sucks! Why didn't you wanna be my dad! Why didn't you wanna show me the way! Why wasn't I special to you! Why wasn't I enough!
I really wish I had you here with me! Giving me the guidance I need! The guidance I needed! Maybe I wouldn't be suffering ways I find myself suffering now! I suffer from deep ass depression because of this! My worst fear is letting my kids down! My worst fear is becoming like you! I feel so insecure because of this! I feel like I will never be enough! This all could have been avoided! All I needed was you! I needed you here! I needed my dad.
But that kind of dad wasn't you.

But I promise you this dad.
I promise your grandkids won't ever feel the way you made me feel.
I promise your grandkids will never feel alone.
I promise your grandkids will never have to worry about if their dad Is in the crowd/ bleachers at their events. Rather liquor is more important to him than them.
I promise your grandkids will always have a dad to call when they feel low. When they feel down. When they feel like the world is against them. They will never have to fight it alone. A dad to tell them "I'm always gonna love you no matter what. No matter what happens. You're my son/daughter  and you're my blood."
I promise your grandkids will have the guidance they need to be a better version of themselves. And if they ever felt broken. I promise they will have a dad that will put them together. Even if it meant giving up a piece of himself.
I promise I will never abandon your grandkids like you abandon me. I will be a better father because of how you didn't raise me. Thanks for the small memories we did share. I still do keep them close even though I shouldn't. It reminds me of the feeling I must give my kids and ones that I can never make. I promise when they think of me they will say "my dad loved me"
so.
Thanks dad.
Love your grandkids and your son