Dear Dad's

Dad answer me!

Dear Dad.
Hey dad it's me again. I still haven't heard anything from you. But if your reading this. Here is how I been.
I'm struggling dad. I'm struggling bad. I have kids of my own now and I'm trying. I'm trying not to give up. It's hard. I'm trying to be strong. I know I won't quit cause I'm a fighter. I can hear your voice saying "Estrada power" as the smell of alcohol floats through my memory as well.
As I'm going through life. Being a father. Being a man. Being a partner. I'm facing some troubles. Some issues. I just have some questions for you. Last ones, I promise. I just gotta know.
Are these the demons you seen?
Are these the battles you fought?
Was this the war you was in?
I know I'm askin and I may never know. And to be honest. Answering them might not even help me. Because now, this is my war.
But Dad.
Were you in this war?
How did you last as long as you did.
Did you ever feel yourself falling?
Did you know you was changing?
Did you know you was at war?
I'm trying.
My brother told me his memories of you are a bit different than the ones I have. He said you was more involved. You was more of a father. I'm not going to lie. I'm a bit jealous. But my question is.
What changed?
What happened?
Did your war not start then?
Was you winning the war at the time?
What happened?
Were you hiding the battles?
How did you do it?
Did over time it just torn you apart?
Because I'm crumbling.
Im crumbling dad!
I feel like I'm cracking, the more the longer I stand the deeper the cracking gets.
I'm falling!
I get up to just fall again!
Did you crack?
Did you fall?
I wish you was here so I can call. So I can explain what I'm going through.
Is this what you went through?
Because I have no idea what I'm doing.
I sit here with this knot in my throat, my chest and my stomach. I'm running out of options, running out of ideas on how to deal with these demons.
Did you see them comin?
Did you hear them creepin?
Because I know mine are with me. I'm fighting.
I sit here and look at my kids. Seeing them play with their toys. Siblings playing together. Them laughing, smiling fighting over the last ice scream. I should be happy right.
As I sit here in silence but inside I'm screaming!
Can they hear me?
Were you screaming inside to?
If you were. I didn't hear you and I'm sorry.
I didn't understand what was happening.
Was that happening?
Cause if so, I understand now.
Is that why you drank so much?
Is that why you slept so much?
Were you trying to get rid of the pain?
Were you hiding from something?
Did you ever wanna feel numb?
Did you ever wanna feel empty cause you just felt to heavy.
Did you ever feel that?
Were you tired? Physically but more mentally.
Cause I am. I'm tired.
I sit here and see all that I done. I should be happy right.
I sit here and just think of where I came from . what I accomplished on my own. Goals I made, goals I met. Even when no one believed in what I was chasing. I chased it till I showed everyone what I got. Now I have new goals and the people who didn't believe in me, now believe in me.
But dad, I don't believe in myself anymore. I don't. I'm losing hope I'm losing myself. I feel like I'm starting to lose this war. I'm trying to get a handle but it's slipping through my hands. I don't want my kids memories to be the way mine ended with you. And tbh that's what's pushing me to keep going. I don't wanna end up like you. I won't.
I don't wanna be alone. But I wanna be left alone.
Is this how you felt?
Did you want this?
Are you happy now?
I know you'll never answer these questions. I'm speaking to you. But In reality, I'm speaking to myself. So I'm screaming for help. Calling for you. But I know you'll never answer.
So this is on me.
I know it's just me.
But if you ever read this and care just know. I will be alright. And I hope your demons finally left. But I will keep fighting mine! I will show my kids why giving up isn't a option! Today will suck and tomorrow will to. But everyday can't be like this,
right?