Soul Bound

Chapter 36

RPOV

It broke my heart knowing Dimitri was hurting over the caves. I wanted to tell him that it was my choice. I knew the risk I was taking by going after him. I wanted to tell him I had to, because if he had died my life would have been over anyway.

But whenever I wanted to talk to him, I choked up. I simply couldn't think about the Academy without shutting down. It was the only way I could handle it. By not handling it.

I had been plagued by darkness before. I understood the mechanics. But this was different. Even though there were similarities. Both the darknesses I had experienced had been out of my control. It wasn't my foult I got turned. I understood that the monster inside me had done all those horrible things, and I had done horrible things. I just hadn't been strong enough to stop it.

Dimitri had been there to bring me back from the darkness before, and now he was doing it again. But the darkness before, wasn't my own. It was Lissa's. It brought out a primordial rage and it simply shoved the real Rose back. I had never been fully aware of the things I did while under the influence of Lissa's darkness. I would watch myself as if I watched a movie being played. It was almost an outer body experience, like being in the passenger seat of a car. I could see it, but I wasn't the one driving.

As a Strigoi however, I remember everything. I was conscious when I did those things. It was me that did those things, just the worst part of me. I didn't have my soul telling me what was right and what was wrong, but it was me. And that scared me. My time with Dimitri was me. My hatred and resentment of Lissa was me. All me.

The only time I didn't feel completely overwhelmed by my past actions was when I was in Dimitri's arms. He still could keep me grounded. He was still the only one that could.

But just because he could keep me grounded didn't mean I knew how to be with him. I didn't know how to get back to the way we were. I couldn't bring myself to kiss him. I didn't know if he regretted the time we spent in Las Vegas together. I didn't know if I would be reminded of what I did to him or if he would be. God, I fed off of him. At the time it had felt so good, but now I was ashamed. I wondered if he was ashamed too?

But as I was sitting at the table with his mother, grandmother and Adrian, watching him so hurt, I knew I wasn't the only one who was hurting and had been through hell. He went to my funeral. He charged himself with the task of killing me, of setting me free. I was grateful to him for that.

I wondered if it wouldn't have been better if he had killed me. I was desperately trying to get back to him, to who I was, but I feared she was gone. And all that remained was a broken girl unable to do anything herself. What kind of life would Dimitri have with me? Would he eventually leave knowing I can't be what I was. Or would he stay, giving up any resemblance of a normal life and romantic relationship. I didn't know which sounded worse.

We had been sitting on the kitchen table when a girl walked in. Her eyes were brown like Dimitri's and her hair color was also similar. I knew it had to be one of his sisters, probably the youngest one. Viktoria I believe her name was.

Her eyes widened in seeing Dimitri. She flung her arms around his neck, nearly hitting me in the face. When she pulled back Dimitri's gaze darkened and he looked menacing at Adrian. He slapped him on the head.

"She is your cousin, remember."

Adrian was rubbing his head. I giggled a little. It was strange but also a bit funny to see Dimitri bonded to Adrian. They were so different, but somehow they... worked together. I was very grateful to Adrian. He had taken care of Dimitri when I couldn't... when I was the source of why he had a hard time taking care of himself. I had seen them interact over the last couple of days. There was a certain kinship between them. It almost didn't surprise me that they shared DNA.