Random One-shot Stories Stock Inside My Head

Entry # 3- Rant

That sinking feeling we're your not enough and do not deserve for someone. You see their efforts for you yet you feel unworthy for what they did to you. That you wish you would be a better person for them but you couldn't. No, scratch that, its just that you wouldn't because you we're afraid and you start to overthink everything.

That time when you feel all alone and didn't want do to anything and just forget everything and lay down all day. I know I didn't make sense but I wanna voice out what thoughts run inside my head. I dont know how to compose stories, I failed to give my point but Im still trying to. But there are really times where I let it be and not even move an inch to give an effort. Then when time gets hard you feel hopeless and then let go of everything.

Im blabbering things again. Senseless words came out of my mouth mindlessly. They are the product of my thoughts and when I put them together, I got confused then in the end I let them be. Floating above me like a dark cloud above my head. Im weak, I can't even fight for my family and friends. Yet I keep standing that they are precious to me. How pathetic.

Now that I've write these, it came to me that I'm a coward, cant even face little problems and simple mind games. I got good and interesting plans when I'm alone but when I face them, even a single word wont come out.

Many believe in my ability, yet I cant even believe in myself. They say I know how to lead, where in fact I am just forced to do it because Im told to. They say Im confident, they say Im strong, they say I can face problems on my own. I doubt that, I really do.

Sometimes I doudt my friends, I tried to open up to them but it seems i cant reach them. They change the subject or they just brush it off like it was some kind of weird thinking played in my imaginative mind. They cant take me seriously. They thought all i did was out of stupidness. Sometimes I ask myself, Am i really that unbelievable? When you always smile and laugh like there's no tomorrow, does that mean your always happy? In my case, Im not. And it seems like they didn't know that or are they?

Now that I think of it, what do they see in me? Probably that stupid me who laugh at almost everything, wreck a serious conversation, always do clumsy acts and just shrug it off then act as if nothing happened. Nags at little things and gets frustated out of nothing. Has this strict aura that surrounds me not leeting other people in. They see me as a weirdo but Im not affected by that. It's just that, can't they see my little  effort? I tried my best to give what I have and when Im down, I tried to reach them but, where are they?

There are times that I thought I can do all alone. I dont need anyone or disturb anyone since no one can understand me anyway. I dont need pity from others. Ican die alone, I can die happy. Gone from this world as if I dont exist. I always thought like that but It turtured me. Im ready to play the martyr card. Then I come back to my senses. What was I thinking? I know I cant do it all alone because I dont have the confidence to do so.

I tried, or do I? Am I really giving my all? Or Im just playing safe? I doubt myself, I overthink everything. Ending relationships then can't go back. Im a wrecker. Damn I hate this. I hate myself--

"Hey, stop spacing out!" A hand waved in front of my face.

"Get use to it. She's always like that. Haha" a girl emerge from the kitchen door.

"I wonder what's going on inside her head." She said mockingly.

"I think another stupid idea or scenario or whatever. You know her, to many creative imaginations."

"Hey! I've got amazing ideas you know!" I reasoned in defense. "Im the stupid one here right?" I joke letting out a small chuckle.

"Yeah right hahaha!"

"Sure sure."

"Just shut up or another of your 'so-called' ideas blurt out."

Damn, I dont care for myself anymore. I love these guys.

There's this time were one of them ask me:

"When we're far from each other, our communications will be lessen and soon enough we will be having an awkward conversation. There's a day that we can't be close like this."

Damn, it hurts. To think that she's thinking like that. Do our bond shallow enough that even time can break it? Is that what it is? F*ck it! It hurts damnit!

If they are reading this, please hear me! (although im writing though, how can they hear my voice here?😋)

I told you I'll treasure friendship right? I meant that. No matter how far we are from each other or we cut off our conversation or you weakened the bond that we all share, I'll treasure you. I care for you even from the distance. I'll watch over you, always.

Including you my kouhai!😁 *ehem* Wil *ehem*

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Author's note!!!!

The drama is on! Hahahaha!
Actually, this is from my rival.😶