Love, life, and everything in between.

An Open Letter To You.

I'm so tired
I'm so tired of having to keep secrets or being constantly lied to.
I don't think I ever deserved that or ever will deserve that.
I was honest to you since day 1 and you want to act like you never lied or like you never said anything that hurt my feelings. Why is it so hard to tell the truth?
Why is it so hard to have an open conversation and not have anyone get mad about anything?
Oh, it's because we are human. We are not robots we have a heart, we have feelings, and it hurts when people take them and crush them;and act like they aren't there. Yes, you have hurt me and yes, you have hurt me in more ways than one. And I won't sit here and wait. I won't sit here and bite my tongue anymore. I'm tired of playing peacekeeper or trying to keep the peace with so many others when they aren't willing to do the same for me. What peace is to be kept if there is no peace within myself?  I've made it a constant to consider people and their feelings. And that won't change but boundaries will be put up. I cannot stand to have my heart be broken again and again and me try to be there to collect the pieces one by one. Yes, I still care for you and yes I will admit whatever is on my mind because tomorrow is never promised and neither is today. I've learned that that the hard way one to many times. I don't know what the future has in store and I never did but I'm trying to make my way and pave my own path. It's either you are in it or not. I'm not some doormat. I'm not somebody you can fuck, fuck up and fuck over. If this is your way of getting a rise out of me or some sick payback, I hope you know that you are ruining me. You are ruining our friendship or whatever the fuck you want to call this.  If your heart belongs to that girl like you say it does please don't ever talk to me again not even as a friend. It's too painful. I don't think you ever thought about me or considered how I felt at this given point in time. You have hurt me in more ways than one and I'm so quick to offer my hand in friendship and forgiveness. I'm sorry but this isn't about that anymore. You have lied to me, talked about me behind my back, have called me every name in the book, and I just have accepted it all. I understand that people do things or speak out of love or fear. I can deal with that. But this right here, what you are doing to me is fucking me up. I won't fall victim to whatever kind of sick twisted fucked up game you want to play with me. After today, after right now, I can promise you I'll disappear and you won't ever have to see or hear from me again. I can't be your friend. I tried and this is where it lead me. It lead me to right this down around 3-7am. It lead me to try to put into words how I feel about you. And I find myself leading to hurt time and time again. You could of have it all with me. I was willing to give you that and there's this part of me that still was. I don't know what goes on in your head and I don't understand the person you are right now. There's this huge part of me that feels guilty for who you've become but it has nothing to do with me. At the end of the day you are your own person and you are responsible for whatever decisions you make. You either love me or you don't. Hate me or don't. I don't care anymore. That's up to you not me. And I'm not going to be playing the guessing game or tiptoeing around you. I was never like that and never will be. You said on that phone call a couple of months back, you will not be anyone's doormat or be lied to. Guess what, neither will I. I don't care how much it hurts me anymore. I'll deal with it on my own like I did before. Like I've done a million times. I don't know what you want from me exactly ;I never knew to begin with or maybe I did and now I'm not so sure anymore. You've changed drastically over the course of a few months and if I'm being quite honest it isn't for the better. I don't know if this is who you've always been or just this person you've become. I don't even know you anymore or maybe I never did at all. All I know is that you've hurt me and betrayed me on more than one occasion. I will not stand for it anymore. I will not let you push the dagger in further and further till I bleed out and have nothing left. Just please be honest to those who care about you. Please tell them the truth. Don't hurt them like you've hurt me and so many others. You've changed drastically over the course of a few months and if I'm being quite honest it isn't for the better. I don't know if this is who you've always been or just this person you've become. I don't even know you anymore or maybe I never did to begin with. All I know is that you've hurt me and betrayed me on more than one occasion. I will not stand for it anymore. I will not let you push the dagger in further and further till I bleed out and have nothing left. You never missed me you missed having someone in your back pocket. Correct me if I'm wrong, but if you loved someone that means you'd want to protect them right? Why did you claim to love me while simultaneously breaking my heart more and more everyday. All I ask is for you to be honest to those who care about you. Please tell them the truth. If you are hurting in silence use your voice to tell them what is wrong. Tell them what is really going on and do the work to help yourself if necessary. If there is work to be done or fixing; let it be fixed. I never wanted to lose you and there's this huge part of me that still wants to be your friend. Yet, I think it's detrimental to my health because I still care about you and I care that you are safe; and you don't seem to care about yourself enough or the way that I do.I wish you nothing but the best in life and I always will. I've always known you to be smart, witty, charismatic, intelligent, and driven to be the best. Don't ever change those qualities of yourself. It is with a heavy heart that I write this letter to tell you, that I have loved you for far to many years to ever stop. I don't know why and I don't know how. So, I will let you go. I will let you go as a partner, lover, and friend. I will let go of the dreams we shared, the promises made to soon, and the future we wished so deeply on. Maybe, it's somewhere in store or maybe it never was to begin with. I just want to say thank you. Thank you for 4 years of growth, love, laughter, tears, memories, and friendship. I wish you nothing but the best in life.
~Kate