General crap and thoughts

Grades

Test week is finally over. It's over for now, but soon enough there will be another test week and a few months later there'll be another one and another one and also another one and the year after that year there will also be three test weeks and the year after that will hopefully be the year my exams will take place that are going to determine my success further in life. Every grade I get, every test I fail, every lesson I don't pay enough attention to, will let me pay for it eventually, or not at all. I was born in a small city, that's how every successful story begins. The truth is, I was indeed born in a small almost unimportant city located in a country that doesn't even reach any further than a bit under sea level. A huge bit. But that wasn't mainly my point. Every successful person's story will probably begin with: "I grew up in a bad environment/ I was just a little kid with big dreams living in a small city/ It's amazing how far I've come based on looking back at where I came from." And it's all true, they try to tell you it's possible to reach your dreams as long as you keep reaching far enough and long enough. Even if you were a minority or if you grew up with divorced parents.

I'm hoping people can't tell that I'm immensely tired at the moment, though I shouldn't have expressed my feelings using that word "immensely". It's pretty huge. I shouldn't have done that because people constantly keep reminding me I can't be unhappy with my situation because there are certainly people who have it worse than you. It's just like telling someone they can't be happy because there are people who are happier than them. But most of the time people are wrong. So of course you are allowed to cry your heart out because you broke up with your boyfriend or girlfriend or something didn't exactly fulfil your expectations. You are allowed to smile with your mouth open wide and teeth clearly visible, of course you are allowed, why wouldn't you be allowed? You don't need to adjust your emotions or your life to the life of someone who has it better or worse than you. You should respect people at all cost and those who aren't as blessed and wealthy as you are. You should appreciate the things that you get/achieve/give in life. The grass is greener where you water it.

So I was expressing why I shouldn't have used the word immensely. People tend to take things seriously, too seriously. It's not really their fault. We're just human.

This test week has tested my ability on how long I can keep breathing with minimal sleep. How many hours can I skip and not spending those hours to sleep without suddenly collapsing on a desk. How many hours can I collect to summarise in a schedule how many hours I miss. I don't care about the hours of sleep I lack. They're lost, and they will never come back, maybe in a second/third/tenth life where I'll be reincarnated as a pig or a magnificent bird or a king or a bacteria. Maybe we only have seven lives to our availability and I'll never be a king or a leaf and I just keep looping as the same soul forever, only changing places and bodies. Maybe we have endless lives to our availability and life just never stops. Maybe after this life you're living now, there will be nothing, absolutely nothing, no air, no light, no people, no bacteria, no life, no gravity, you just float there through that empty space going nowhere, coming from nowhere somehow looking and being aware of life outside of your empty space and feeling sad that you can never return back to "normal" space. Maybe you're in it now. I use to think about this frequently when I was a little kid at nights I couldn't sleep because I scared myself thinking about this. I was a dumb kid. I couldn't stop myself from thinking more and more about what comes after this, like everyone else. I was scared of being confronted with the scary truth, yet I was, and still am, seeking to get to know that scary truth. There's something in me, in us all, that wants to know everything but at the same time doesn't want to. Scared to actually know it, but wants to hear it anyway so they can calculatte if it's really that bad as they expected. (See that spelling mistake I made on purpose to let you know I can be funny at times) (Calcu"latte" as in the coffee, you know)

(This is the end, because I'm not excellent at jumping to conclusions when writing about something, I will use some punctuations) (Have a good day) (Take care of yourself)