eternally // yeonbin

dear sputnik

3 years after the accident, yeonjun had already achieved his goal of becoming an idol, but soobin was nowhere to be found. after they got him to the hospital and soobin's not-so-great parents were involved, everything was a mess basically. at first, they never let yeonjun to even see his best friend. but yeonjun was stubborn, he somehow convinced them to let him see soobin at least once a week.

he was told that soobin was in a coma and had the possibility of not making it, but yeonjun always hoped and believed that soobin would never leave him alone. he knew that this was selfish, still as he waited in the hospital, he always prayed that one day soobin would wake up and smile at him like everything that happened was just a bad dream and it was all okay now.

that day never came for yeonjun though, he never saw soobin wake up. one day when he visited soobin at the hospital as usual, he was gone. his bed was empty, all of his stuff was gone. his parents were also nowhere to be found. for just a split second, yeonjun actually believed that it was all a dream. but that was too good to be true. he desperately tried to contact soobin's parents, they owned a big business in south korea, so finding their secretary's number wasn't hard at all. but no one answered the phone. everything about soobin was just gone.

it was his first time feeling this alone. although the trainees were never friends with him, although he didn't have as many friends, this was actually the first time he felt like everyone in the world just vanished and he was the only one standing. after all, he was just a kid. a kid who had no one in the world other than his best friend. what was he supposed to do now that he'd lost the one thing that was the most important for him? look for him? but where? it wasn't like his treasure left a treasure map behind and was waiting to be found. he felt hopeless. not even seeing soobin just lay in a bed for months made him feel this helpless because he always thought one day he would see him wake up. but now, his hope was taken away from him.

however, giving up was never a part of yeonjun's vocabulary. while he continued being a trainee and practicing hard, he also tried his everything to find soobin. every night, dreaming of the day he could finally see his face again.

he knew that if soobin woke up, he would try to contact him as well. but days, weeks and months went by, there was nothing. he never wanted to think of the worst, but that was the only explanation for him. unless soobin already forgot about him and moved on with his life, which made yeonjun very angry to even think about.

after soobin had vanished, yeonjun always felt like a part of his soul was missing. there was a part of him that no one else could fill in, not even his soon-to-be group members. yes, he liked them, and surprisingly they liked yeonjun too. but no one could even compare to soobin in his eyes.

until his love started to turn into anger. since he refused to believe that the worst had happened, he always thought soobin had already moved on with his life. somewhere else, without him. like he never existed. and this made yeonjun's blood boil. as much as he loved and missed him, his patience started to reach its limit.

after debuting, yeonjun stopped looking for soobin and just tried to live his life in the best way possible. not stuck in the past, trying to be happy and care-free.

it had already been two years since they debuted, and their group was getting so much attention lately. their schedule was full and the members never had time to take care of themselves. yeonjun liked being busy like this because it was helping him not to think about anything and keeping his mind busy, he knew that once he started thinking he couldn't stop. after soobin's disappearance, he dealt with a lot of depression and anxiety, but as the time went by he got better thanks to the members. to his luck, the members were really funny and cheerful, he especially liked hanging out with beomgyu out of all of them. huening kai, the group's youngest, was literally the group's baby and everyone saw him as their little brother. and taehyun was one the youngest members as well but he was very smart and mature for his age, yeonjun always wondered what he had to go through to get so mature at such a young age. but then he remembered, he was the same age as taehyun and kai when he had lost soobin. he would never wish something like that to happen to anyone, not even his worst enemies. only he could know and understand the pain and it was indescribable, so intense that he almost gave up on his dream.

their schedule was busy, and since the group was getting a lot of attention at the minute they were also hosting small concerts every week to keep the momentum. it was one of those nights, they were almost ready to go on stage and yeonjun still felt the same excitement and happiness even after two years. but his sixth sense was telling him that something was wrong, his gut was telling him to delay the concert and just go home tonight. he didn't listen, as always.

yeonjun's pov

"the closing song is dear sputnik, guys. get ready. also yeonjun, amazing song." seeing him doing a thumbs up, i bowed down to the music operator as a thank you while i was walking to the stage.

i remember writing dear sputnik after imagining so many times that i found soobin one day, that everything was fine. back then i was way too blinded by my love for him that i never realised that if he wanted to be back, he would've been by now. after growing out of that, i was going to scrap the song but beomgyu liked it so much that i decided to keep it. i remember him telling me that this was one of his favourite songs ever like yesterday, i wonder if he knew the story behind it, would he still like it as much he does right now?

there was a small crowd, yes we were getting a lot of publicity but these concerts were more for fans than money. that's why we wanted to keep it small and cozy for now, we could always expand in the future.

when we started singing the song, i was looking at the audience as usual. looking at all those people who came here just to see us, made me happier than i could've ever imagined. they liked us, they knew our songs, they could never know what kind of people we were, but they still loved and supported us. i could never express them the gratitude i had, i would've been nothing without those people. all those strangers.

all those strangers.

and one familiar face.

the one face i thought that i would never see in my life again. smiling at someone.

not me.

i could feel my heart racing, didn't know if it was because of the excitement or the panic. for the first time in my career, i forgot the words and messed up, thanks to beomgyu we saved the situation and no one noticed, except the members. even they were surprised, and so was i.

i tried to sing the song i wrote to him without looking at his direction, i could feel the anger building up inside me. so i was right then? he really moved on like nothing happened, i really meant nothing to him. if it was that easy, then why did it take me years? why do i still have nightmares about him? if it was that easy to move on and laugh with someone else, then why am i the one that's still left in the dark?

you were supposed to smile at me. you were supposed to look at me. i was going to be there for you. you were supposed to be next to me, singing with me. not in the audience.

after the song and the concert had ended, i have no idea how i rushed to the front garden where the audience was supposed to be exiting at. it wasn't hard to find him since he was very tall, he even got taller than i last saw him.

i took him by his arm and started walking to the side of the building where no one could see or hear us, i wouldn't want to be a part of a scandal. the boy i saw him with earlier also came with him, saying some random bullshit about how he was my fan and how the show was really good. i was too angry to listen to him, i was only focused on the boy that was staring at me, very confused. when we finally got to a more quiet and hidden place i let go of his arm and looked at him straight in the eye. he could probably see the disappointment in my face, hear the sadness in my voice.

"how could you?"

"i'm sorry but... do i know you?"