Where Are My Eyes If They're Not Forward?

17. i'm too far away

maya

I go to hold my girlfriends hand as usual, but upon brushing my skin with hers she jolts, and pulls away.

"Sorry Bambina." She mumbles and smiles, but doesn't close the gap between us. Instead, we sit in silence outside Diane's office. Carina's juxtaposing body language and words confuse me enough to keep me out of my usual anxiety spiral that I find myself in, outside of the office.
Carina mentioned that Diane pushed my appointment earlier, suggesting we'll need more time today, although, I can see me being done in 50 minutes and having an hour to spare before I have to get ready for work. Perhaps Carina and I can take a scenic walk home?

"Maya?"

I'm brought from my muse by Diane smirking at me. Carina isn't next to me, but is giggling beside Diane.

"Are you going to sit there the whole appointment?" She smiles.

"Oh!" My face heats up. "Sorry, I was in my own world!"

Carina's smile drops quickly and is completely gone by the time we're sat on the sofa. Diane shuts the door, and as I usually do, I reach for Carina for support. I'm left hollow when she shuffles away.

"Car?"

"I'm okay Bambina." She husks.

Except, I really do think she is not.

Diane sits opposite us, and studies Carina with a frown. Carina, who is mirroring my usual posture, refuses to look up. I feel our roles have been reversed, and selfishly, I enjoy the pressure being diverted from my vulnerability to my girl's.

"How are you doing?" Concerns are directed at Carina.

She shrugs. "I'm fine."

"You've been so quiet baby." I croon and she sighs, finally looking at me, but not acknowledging the therapist.

"I....I called Diane yesterday."

"Yeah?" I encourage.

"T-to p-push the appointment."

I frown and Carina retreats.

"I...uhhh"

Diane takes over.
"Maya, Carina has expressed some concerns regarding her own well being, hence why we needed longer for this appointment."

I look between the two women, trying to work out what to say.

"I... Carina? You didn't tell me!"

"I didn't want you to get mad!"

My heart sinks.

"Mad?" I whimper. "Why would I be mad at you for struggling?"

It takes everything in me not to pick up Carina and place her in my lap, but I know she wouldn't appreciate me doing that in company.

"Because...." she blubs but composes herself to continue. "B-because I'm mad at you!"

Okay, that takes me by surprise. I pull away slightly, feeling my defences go up. I'm threatened.

"What?!"

My eyes harden and Carina shrinks. I do my hardest to remember all the breathing crap Diane goes on about but I begin to feel my fathers rage bubble up. I look desperately to the therapist for help.

"Okay ladies, let's cool it down for a second." She finally steps in. Carina remains leaning against the arm of the sofa- leaning away from me, and I feel lonely and cold under Diane's gaze without Carina's hand to hold, even if I'm mad and confused.
"Maya, Carina has some very genuine concerns about you which are effecting her own health." She looks to my girlfriend. "Would I be right in suggesting you're mad with Maya's behaviour and symptoms that you can't control, rather than Maya herself?"