//tw //cw [depression, anxiety, implied abuse, alcohol use & MINOR sh] stay safe,
!!!!this chapter can be skipped if you aren't comfortable with it, it's just for background info <3!!!!
I've dealt with depression for a while, some days are better, others are worse. Today is bad. I don't want to get up, I can't get up. I lay in bed wondering if I'll ever be better? Will I ever find happiness? Why am I here? What is there to live for? I search and scan my room for reasons to stay but my room is rather empty, just like my stomach, my emotions, my everything. The only thing that isn't empty is my mind but god I wish it was.
Thoughts race through my mind and I can't help it, I can't stop it. "You're worthless"
"No one loves you" "you'll never feel things the way everyone else does" "boys don't cry" stop it. Stop it. Stop it. I can't.
My head aches, my stomach hurts and my scars tingle. Why can I only feel the pain?
They told me I was better? Why aren't I better? Will I always be so broken?
My dad left when I was 12, because of me. I was too much. Life wasn't a white picket fence it was the smell of vomit, alcohol stains in the carpet and yelling on the weekends. Why was this my fate?
School life was watching, not talking. Observing, not engaging. I never had any other friends other than Nick but he's barely around. Maybe I should talk to him? But how? I don't want him to feel bad for me, I just want him there. For me.
George has no idea about any of this, how do I bring it up? How do I tell him that I don't feel love? How do I tell him that when I kiss him I love him but it feels so one-sided, how do I tell him that he might be the change in that whole mindset?
I can't. Not yet.
So it stays here. In my mind, the dark empty place that I have to call home. I wish this wasn't the case but it feels so familiar.
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We Were Liars (DNF)
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