We Were Liars (DNF)

2.2 <3

George and I haven't talked much in the past week, after our argument at his house.

I'm constantly thinking about the way he kissed me, touched me but more than anything the way he didn't love me.

The way he told me to leave filters my brain everyday and makes my stomach drop to the pit of my emotions, George felt so different that night. So distant I felt like we had to be closer but maybe he didn't? I got so attached, maybe that's the problem? I got too attached to him.

I suddenly feel an abundant amount of guilt and pressure on my shoulders to apologize. People constantly tell me that I apologize too much, in all honesty it's because of my dad. He left when I was born because I was too much for him to handle, I never got to say sorry to him, I don't have any contact with him.

I need to apologize to my mom, but how? How do I find the words? How do I bring myself to go back to that house of hell? That chamber of tourchoures memories and the bane of my existence. My mom was sweet when she was sober but the frequency of that was low, always on something. Sorry.

What about my sister?

So many things I couldn't say, but I can say sorry to everyone else and act as if that fixes things. But it doesn't.

You can cover a scar with foundation but just like everything with a foundation overtime it breaks and disappears. And then you're stuck with the scars again, and if you're really unlucky, you'll make them even deeper.

((GEORGES POV))

The lack of mirrors in my house comforts me today, but a glance at my reflection on the black of my phone screen is all it takes. I run to the bathroom to see myself. My hair is messy, not brushed so it appears to be very knotted, my skin is awfully pale, and I look extra boney today. Not a good look.

My head pounds with a headache, no matter the amount of medication I take, it's not going away. Is it because I've been crying? Maybe.

I'm so indecisive, Clay is right; I need to make up my mind about what I want, I don't want to waste whatever time I have left on this earth how do I explain to him that I love him, I really do, but we can't be together, everyone will judge us.

I kissed Jenna that day because of a dare apparently I'd been spending too much time with him and people began to think that we had something going on, they were right but I had to mislead them. Not just for me, for Clay as well.

He's done so much for me, I finally realise my place. I guess I'm just not good at showing my thanks, a pretty crappy weakness to have if you ask me.

Every fight, every argument makes me want Clay even more, time and time again I go back to him, it's hard having to lie to everyone, I mean, sure I've been doing it for years but I still don't like it.

Lying on reflex isn't a good habit, maybe next time I'll lie to Clay? That'll do it, it'll break him! Don't do it, it'll ruin everything. My stomach aches and my hands are trembling.

I hurt so much, I need some sleep.

My eyes drift to the stars above, they're so pretty, I wish I paid more attention to them. My mum used to tell me that when people we love die, they go in the stars, that's why there's so many of them because so many people have lost loved ones.

Maybe it was pathetic of me to have believed it but it comforts me now, knowing that when my time is inevitably up people will still be able to look at me and ponder, I just hope they won't be thinking about the same things I do.

When it's their time.