Haunted By Him

Chapter Nine

They’re going through Bucky Barnes rehearsal for the hundredth time and the Winter Soldier is ready to bash his head into the wall.

“Pretend I’m Steve Rogers,” Natalia says. “What do you say?”

The Soldier rolls over on his bunk until he’s lying on his face and groans into the mattress.

“Watch out,” he says weakly. “The redhead’s trying to steal your money and I’m a fake.”

“Don’t make me come up there,” she threatens, but she’s said that several times and he knows it’s an empty threat. He doesn’t go into his monologue, though, the one he’s supposed to give Rogers.

“Is that what Steve Rogers would say?” He asks.

“You think you’re clever, don’t you?” She says and he looks over at her and smirks. “A real wise guy.”

“That’s me,” he says half-heartedly.

“Look, just give me the monologue one more time and then you can be done,” Natalia says. Then, “remember who’s keeping you away from those snake people.”

“Hydra?” The Soldier says.

“Whatever,” Natalia says. And the Winter Soldier takes a deep breath and starts again.

“I was injured in battle during the war,” he says in a monotone. “And I had to hide in enemy territory. I’m back now because I was able to escape and Romanova brought me back to you.” This is the part he hates. The rest is a lie, sure, but Natalia wants him to continue and try to convince Steve he’s his friend. The Winter Soldier has done a lot of horrible things, but this seems almost cruel. He may be an assassin, a murderer, but he’s not cruel. “I, uh, I hope we can still be friends. I’ve missed you and-” He stops. He’s supposed to tell the imaginary Steve Rogers that he loves him, but he’s said it a million times today and it’s starting to lose it’s meaning and that scares him.

He wants to really tell someone he loves them one day. He wants someone to say it back. He wants to mean it.

“Go on,” Natalia prompts him, and instead, he rolls over so she can’t see his face. He’s silent.

They sit there for a few minutes and finally, Natalia gives up.

“Fine,” she says quietly. “You’re done for today.” Then, “When we get into America, there’s a museum exhibit you ought to see about him. You’re gonna have to memorize things about Rogers, too.” The Winter Soldier remains silent and she leaves the room and he lays there in his bed until the evening.