Haunted By Him

Chapter Sixteen

They reach DC by the evening and take a cheap hotel near the airport. When they get there, Natalia has a hard time trying to disguise her excitement as she rummages through his bag and pulls out the stolen dress.

“You’re a thief, she says,” the Winter Soldier mumbles teasingly just loud enough for her to hear as she holds it up to herself in the mirror. He leans against the wall by the mirror and shoves his hands in the pockets of his new pants. “Probably doesn’t even fit me, she says.”

“Oh, hush,” Natalia says and admires it in the mirror, unable to hold back her smile. It’s a teal green summer dress that ends just above her knees and she runs her hand down the front and swishes the skirt. “I’ll thank you when you start paying for my presents.”

“As soon as I can,” he tells her and she looks over at him and they lock eyes. “I’ll buy you lots of dresses.”

She looks down and he thinks she blushes, but he’s not sure.

She ducks into the bathroom and whens she comes out, she’s twirling in that green dress, letting the skirt dance around her legs. Admittedly, it’s a little big on her and the waist is too wide, but the Winter Soldier doesn’t think it matters. She looks beautiful.

“You’ll wear it when you present me to Steve Rogers?” He asks and she nods.

“Thank you,” she says sincerely. “For thinking of me.” The Winter Soldier pushes himself off the wall and approaches her casually.

“I thought you said you weren’t going to thank me?” He says and she gives him a half-smile. Her blue eyes twinkle.

“I changed my mind,” she says teasingly. “Don’t make me take it back.” Then, “speaking of Rogers, how are you feeling?” She looks into his eyes again. “Do you think you’re ready?”

A sick feeling grows in the Winter Soldier’s stomach. He hadn’t realized the time to test his knowledge had come so soon. He would either prove to be Bucky Barnes or he would screw everything up and cause everyone more pain.

And he’d be alone again.

“I’m not sure,” he says. “When will we go?”

“When you’re ready,” she tells him and he looks down at the carpet.

“I don’t think I’ll ever be ready,” he admits.

“Hey,” Natalia says and he looks up and suddenly, her fingers are brushing his jawline. She’s so close to him he can almost feel her breath and his pulse jumps. “You’ll be fine. Don’t worry about it, you’ll do great. You’re so like him.”

He looks at her and chuckles a little.

“You always tell me I’m doing it wrong,” he says and he watches her eyes flicker to his mouth.

“Well,” she says slowly. “There is one final test.”

“Is there?” He asks and he wonders if this is really going to happen. Could this really happen to him?

Natalia stands up on her toes and presses her mouth to the Winter Soldier’s fiercely. Her hands rest on his shoulders and he puts his on her hips, like he had before when he dreamed of this. They stay there for a while, barely coming up for air, and he squeezes her closer.

“Wow.” Natalia breathes into his lips once she pulls back and her fingers tighten on his shoulders. “You kiss like him.”

“Natalia, maybe,” the Winter Soldier says and he thinks maybe now he can share his hopes with her. “Maybe I am him.”

He’s not prepared for the expression on Natalia’s face when he looks down at her. She looks venomous and her eyes are cold and he’s just not ready for her rejection.

“No!” She exclaims, as though he’s suggested something extremely vile, and she shoves him. He stumbles back a little and she starts shaking her head. “No, you’re not him.”

“But…,” the Winter Soldier says weakly. “But it makes sense.”

“No!” Natalia cries again. “I don’t want you to be him!”

The Winter Soldier searches her face pleadingly. He can feel his own heart breaking.

“Why?” He whispers and Natalia’s face is turning red. Her eyes glisten with tears.

“The things you told me,” she says and her voice is still just a little too loud, as though she’s shouting at him, as though she’s blaming him. “I don’t want-” she stops and chokes and starts over. “I can’t imagine that they happened to him!”

The Winter Soldier feels as though the breath has been knocked out of him.  

“But it’s fine that they happened to me,” he replies and she shakes her head, wiping at her face.

“No? Yes?” She says. “I-I just… I can’t tell myself that he became you. I can’t think that my sweet James became whatever it is you are.”

The Winter Soldier doesn’t think he can breathe. Natalia’s not looking at him anymore, she’s got her hands over her face and she’s crying, and he brushes past her and leaves the room.