Haunted By Him

Chapter Nineteen

That evening as they wait at the doors of the restaurant, Natalia takes a long time straightening the Winter Soldier’s tie. She keeps doing it and undoing it and making adjustments and once, she does it up too tight and he chokes and she rips it off, apologizing.

“Maybe I just ought to do it,” he tells her awkwardly and takes the blue tie from her fingers. She nods and turns around and wraps her arms around herself.

“Sure,” she says quietly and he ties it up and straightens it and then leaves it alone.

They stand there for a few minutes in silence.

“How early are we?” He asks. She refuses to look at him.

“Just early enough,” she says and then she turns and starts to lead him into the restaurant. “We can probably call in our reservation now. Come on, let’s go.”

It’s a nice restaurant and the Soldier wonders how much Natalia’s paying for their meal here. He sort of hopes Rogers offers to pay to ease the load on her, and then remembers he’s trying to be spiteful and forget about her and thinks he’ll order the most expensive thing on the menu.

He knows he won’t be able to bring himself to, but it makes him feel better to at least think it.

They wait at their table for a good ten minutes and the Soldier stares at the chair across from him and recites his lines over and over and over in his head. He realizes he’s completely lost his appetite. Maybe Natalia will have to pay for less than he thinks.

When Steve Rogers finally enters the room, the Winter Soldier feels as though the breath has been knocked out of him. There’s something about this man’s face, about his eyes and his hair and his chest and his shoulders and the way he moves when he walks and the way his eyes shift across the room that’s entirely familiar to him. He has to remind himself to close his mouth and then Rogers sits down at the table across from him.

When Steve Rogers looks up, almost reluctantly, the Soldier thinks, they lock eyes. Rogers blinks after a second and he can feel his eyes across his face. He wonders what he’s thinking. He hopes it’s nice thoughts. His right palm is sweating under his glove and his mouth has gone dry.

“Captain Rogers,” Natalia says. Her Russian accent is endearing in English. He hasn’t heard it before. He tries not to commit it to memory. “This is Bucky Barnes.”

Steve hasn’t moved his eyes off of the Winter Soldier’s face even once yet. The Winter Soldier forgets everything he was supposed to say.

“Hi,” he whispers.

And then Steve’s face goes hard and he looks over at Natalia angrily.

“What did you do?” He demands. “Plastic surgery? Make up? Training?” Natalia seems flustered. She swallows and the Soldier can see her wringing a towel in her hands under the table.

“I didn’t do anything to him,” she says.

“You just printed out a picture of him and told the surgeon, make him look like this, right?” Steve says. The Winter Soldier wishes he could melt into his chair and disappear. Natalia’s face is going white. “What is it with you people?” He continues, fuming. “You just can’t wait to torture me, huh? Can’t wait to see my heart break one more time.”

“Captain Rogers, I know he looks so much like James, but that’s because he is!” Natalia exclaims when she’s able to fit a word in. Steve is still enraged. He looks like he’ll jump up and leave any minute. “Please just listen to him, you’ll know!”

Oh no. The Winter Soldier can’t breathe and all eyes are on him now.

“Well?” Steve prods him. “What lies are you gonna try to feed me tonight?”

Natalia looks at him encouragingly and nods.

“Um,” the Winter Soldier says and swallows. “I-I, uh, was injured. Uh, in b-battle during the war. And, and, uh, I had to hide. In enemy territory.” He sucks in a breath and then doesn’t think he can make it through the rest. “I’mbacknowbecauseIwasabletoescapeandRomanovabroughtmebacktoyou.”

There’s a long silence. Steve stares at him in disbelief and Natalia’s face is slowly falling and the Winter Soldier realizes that he’s disappointed everyone. This is literally the worst the meeting could have possibly gone. He’s not even sure it’s happening, it’s so horrible. He’s waiting to wake up next to Natalia on the train, praying it’s just a nightmare.

He didn’t just screw this whole thing up. He couldn’t have. No no no no no no.

A few more seconds pass and then Steve Rogers scoots back his chair and stands up and starts to walk out the door.