Part III You Control my Body
Three Months Later
I had a headache at least twice a day. I sleep most of the day and eat once every few days. My cancer (that everyone seemed to forget) was overpowering. It controlled my body. Possibly forever.
And it didn't want me to do anything, but sleep. Sleep took the pain away. Before You Exit (and my family) was on tour, would continue tour until January. Toby barely called - texted maybe once a month. Not that I minded, he was very busy and I was always sleeping.
I couldn't recall the last time I ate. It was (I am kind of sure) two days ago. I better eat. Something.
I gently grab the blankets that were a part of me, the only thing that I was wearing, and pull them off. A burst of cold air rushes over me. My weak bones stiffen and my hairs stick up. I swing my feet on the end of the bed, they suddenly touch the cold wood flooring. My teeth begin to chatter.
I tip-toe over to my dresser and pull out Toby's hoodie that came to mid-thigh. I slip on a pair of underwear, and socks. The fuzzy socks with the little rubber things, they were shaped like paws. It gets even better, Toby bought them for me.
I walk down the steps in the lonely, cold house, and into the kitchen. I hold my aching head, and my back. I pull out a few grapes, and eat them. I decided to go on Twitter.
I go upstairs (with the bag of grapes), and back into bed. Naked again. I was eating grapes, and scrolling through Twitter. Well, Toby's Twitter.
Then, a retweet.
I hope your girlfriend gets better.
"Why did he retweet this?" I say out loud with a cheekful of grapes.
I miss the fun Bri. :(
This was the tweet. I keep reading this. I kept reading it until I was in tears, them pouring down my rosy cheeks. I am not fun anymore? I thought. I text him.
Call me. asap.
I get a call from Toby.
"What is it?" Toby asks. "So, I'm not fun anymore?" I say, anger was rushing through my voice. "You are definitely angry," Toby snaps. "How'm I not fun anymore?" I yelled, practically screaming through the phone at him. "You don't fucking do anything," Toby growls. "Maybe because that is what people who get headaches twice a day, barely any food, sleep days away, and fucking deal with cancer do! I can't help I have cancer! I never knew until a few months ago, and guess what, I have no idea how long I am going to put up with your shit." I spit.
"Oh. I-I'm sorry. Dammit, I totally forgot. I am the most horrible boyfriend ever. I am so sorry. -"
I hang up. "Suck up," I utter. I pull out my laptop. YouTube, it should forgive me.
I open up the laptop and turn it on. I click on YouTube and start to film.
"Hey guys. I'm so, so sorry about leaving for.. like, ever. It has just been so stressful. I figured out I have some heath problems. I sleep most days, and I eat once every few days. It-It, and-and, Toby is just stressing me out too." I say.
That, that right there is when the spark kicked. Toby. He set some emotional trigger, and I cupped my face with my hands. I just cried.
Cried. Cried. Cried.
"I am sorry, but I have cancer. I have headaches at least twice a day. I haven't had a good meal in months. Toby is just making it even hard, I have no idea were he stands in my life anymore." I cry. I was pouring the weight from my shoulders.
"I just hate my life! It isn't worth living anymore!" I cried, I screamed. I get up. I kick my bed again, and again as I scream.
I was driving myself crazy.
Then, I get a call. I answer it with a sassy what.
"Bri," my mom says. Well, my newer mom. "Sorry," I say. "It's fine. Toby explained everything. I just wanted to tell you that I am coming home. I should be there tomorrow," mom says. "Oh, okay." I say with no feeling. "What's really wrong?" Mom says. "I don't know. I guess, it's just life in general," I sighed through the phone. "Okay. I'll be home tomorrow, love you. Bye," mom says and hangs up.
* * *
I woke up the next day, a terrible headache was present. I wanted to just fall back asleep. I wanted to leave this reality for a beautiful cancer free world, but it's just a dream for me to become cancer free.
My mom interrupted my thoughts of becoming cancer free. She says, "Brianna get ready, we're going to the hospital." I look at her with curiosity. "For you," she points her index finger at me with a serious glare located on her face directed at me.
I sigh, getting up out of bed. I got dressed in a sweat shirt and sweat pants - both gray. I brush through my hair lightly then put it into a low ponytail. I put my mix-match socks, and flip flops. Yeah, that's how much I didn't care. I brush my teeth and go downstairs.
My mom was waiting for me in the car, so when I get in, it was silent.
