Chapter 7

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After dinner, I hastily went back up to my room. They tried to convince me to stay downstairs with them, but as the night grew darker, I felt more alone. They didn't know what it was like to be me, and I didn't know how to explain it.

I reminded Charlotte to check the locks on the door, and then I ran to safety.

When I got to my bedroom, I thought of Bella. This was her room first, after all. Did she hate that I was now living in this house with her brothers, sleeping in her bedroom? I'd like to think she'd be happy for me.

I pictured my old room as I sat in bed and thought about the absence of safety I experienced there. No child should have to sit in the dark and feel so much pain. No child deserves to suffer the way that so many are forced to. But how can that be changed? You can be a kind and loving adult yourself. You can make space for children to share their feelings, and teach them that their body is their own... but beyond that? All we can do is pray that the darkness doesn't stifle their light. All we can do is hope that they don't have to see the monsters that we met as children.

I thought about the feelings. I thought about how I felt after he hit me or touched me or laughed. The worms came back, crawling under my skin.

"Please keep me safe," I whispered to nobody. I grabbed as much of the blanket as I could in my hands and pulled it around me, imagining the warmth to heal my emotional hurt although it did no such thing.

"God, fate, universe. Whomever or whatever is up there... please keep me safe." I sighed.

"Don't let me get hurt again," I begged, trying to will it into existence. I thought about what Charlotte would tell me. She would say that life has both goodness and badness in its proportions. The world isn't black and white. Maybe that was her experience. All I can see from where I am sitting is bad, dangerous, traumatic.

How do I tell my new mom that I don't want this life anymore? A voice came at the door, breaking me from my tired thoughts.

"Can I come in, My?" Damon asked through the door.

"Sure," I called back, watching the door with trepidation. Why did these boys insist on talking to me? Were they not aware that I am certifiably insane?

He came in and stood by the door, looking more awkward than I'd ever seen him. When he entered, he had his arms crossed over his chest, but he switched to scratching his head, and then finally coming to sit on the floor beside me.

"You can come up onto the bed, you know," I said with a smile. I was sort of enjoying looking down on him at the moment, but I didn't tell him that.

"Oh, I wasn't sure you'd want that, given..." he faltered as his nerves increased. I cringed a little at the unsaid part of his statement but gave him a smile and my patience. Despite Dominic experiencing abuse and the other boys clearly knowing grief, that didn't mean it was easy to talk to others about theirs. I appreciated that he was making the effort.

"What can I do for you?" I asked, leaning my head to the side, and smiling. His eyes flit down and then directly into my eyes and then towards my window.

"Damon?" I asked with worry. He wasn't normally like this. In fact, I'd never seen him like this. Was he feeling guilty? Scared? Nervous? His feelings weren't obvious on his face and that worried me. Was I going to get hurt? I pushed the thought from my mind and tried to focus on him. The unknown wasn't danger just because it was unknown.

"Sorry, My." He said in a scratchy voice. "I guess I'm just a little... scared."

"I'm sorry- what?" I asked dubiously. I didn't mean to sound incredulous, but I'd never seen a scared Damon, excluding the other night when I was disassociating.

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