Phoenix

Anger Management

I hadn't even noticed falling asleep and I was awoken by the crack of the early sunrise through the blinds, I can still feel Natasha's warm body wrapped around my mind neither of us had moved from the position we were in when we fell asleep. I look down and see her blond hair tied into a small ponytail holding her hair out of her face, it allows me to see her perfectly framed face, the way her slow calm breathing along with her heartbeat was all I could hear. I suddenly realised last night was the first I have had without a nightmare. I slowly and carefully slipped out of Nats hold and made my way downstairs and started to cook some breakfast.

"Что, черт возьми, с тобой случилось? Иисус, который выглядит болезненным, это бренд?" What the hell happened to you? Jesus that looks painful, is that a brand? Yelena said scaring me half to death making me drop the plate in my hand and grabbing the gun from under the counter as a reflex. "Just me chill" She held up her hands in defence before swiping the gun out of my hand, I rubbed at my face and looked down.

"It's complicated but yeah it's a brand..." I mumbled and took a deep breath and started to clean up the smashed plate on the floor which is when Nat entered the room now alert and ready with gun in hand.

"Are you both okay?" She asked sweeping over the area, and Yelena laughed. "Yes, sister I just made him jump and asked about you know um..." and pointed to my body which made me freeze and head upstairs to grab a hoodie.

As I sprinted up the stairs and entered my closet pulling out my red hoodie, I slumped to the floor hood over my head and tucked myself into a ball. I hated them then, I hate them now, I wish is could wipe everything from my body and get rid of all the memories of them. Jefferson is my hell and if the devil thought he could make me live through the worst he is wrong I have done it all before. This time I survived but the anger I felt for them was nothing but burning hot range and the thought of them still breathing and living happy little suburban lives while I live with the constant reminders haunting me burns white and I fly out from my spot on the floor and out the door. Throwing on some shoes I bolt out the front door, ignoring the calls from both the girls. 

I ran and kept running until my lungs gave out, the flashes of the memories of that night and the days leading up to it, the constant fear of walking around the town or into school. The abuse and the torture fulled that pain. Then the flashbacks to the hydra and the mind wipes and conditioning.

Hydra gone most of the anger gone with the takedown of Ultron and the death of Strucker brought some peace to that burning but there was none for the history left in Jackson, the way my parents were in that woods or the children that would now be at college or working to get that dream job, the adults who shunned me and ignored me rather than care for me now happy with their families and retired. The police officers who beat me and raped me are probably being honoured in the town for their acts of service.

I was burning from the inside out and my body was itching from my scars, I was punching trees and splitting their bark. I was struggling again with my anger but this was a new and repressed now bubbling to the service.

"Thomas Barnes." A man's voice snapped out of my thoughts. I span around and my eyes fire daggers into the skull of the man who has interrupted my outlet of anger. His dark blond hair looking over at me and his hands in his jacket pocket I slump to the floor. "Hey kiddo it's okay, you have been out here for hours. Scared the hell out of Nat."

"Maybe I wanted to be a lumberjack..." I joke and steve sighs before sitting next to me on the floor.

"What's going on that has made you smash up the wilderness?" He asks me and I look out at the trees that are broken and split halfway along the track I created and put my head in my hands.

"Fuck sake. I don't even know where to start Steve." I mumble and he doesn't say anything just lets me try and find the words, we sit in a strange silence not exactly comfortable but it's not awkward either.

"Um, it's to do with the brand on my hip, on my back..." I mutter I know he has seen it before back when I showed him the scars on my back when they told me about their mission when they found my file.

"The Triangle?" He asks me and I nod lightly, and he goes on to tell me of Germany "When I was in the war the Nazis used it to symbolise someone who was part of the LGBTQ+ community, it was a pink triangle that was placed on their armband in the concentration camps we had liberated."

"Yeah um, where I was born the town I lived in" I froze not knowing how to word it.

"Was like your own hell worse than hydra could ever do?" He questioned and I looked up at him with a slightly confused face and he smiled lightly at me. "Kids don't run off to get experimented on without reason, Wanda and Pietro did it to fight for their country so you wanted to escape your hell."

"Yeah okay so umm-" I tried to carry on but Steve stopped me placing his hand on my shoulder. "If you are not ready you don't need to tell me but we can find a better outlet for your anger than destroying the wildlife. How about we walk back?" He suggests and I look around questioning how the hell I got here and second how the hell Steve got here.

"Redwing found you and me and Sam may have called an old friend, Sam is with Nat and your car is a few miles down the road," He tells me and I smile a little looking down at the ground.

"I was born a girl," I mumble and I'm not even sure Steve heard me until I feel his body wrap around mine similar to how it was when I first told my dad. "They would beat me and call me the names they carved into my back. I tried to escape, hydra was my salvation and I wish I had found you guys before hydra sent me away that day on the bridge" I start to cry and Steve just helps me to let out all my emotions.

"It's okay we are here now and we have got you. No one will hurt you like that ever again I promise you" Is all he tells me and we pull away from our hug and sit and watch out over the wilderness for a long time until we start watching the sun slowly set, deciding it's time to head back we slowly walk down the mountain and are making light conversation about what he has done for the few weeks and we get to the car just as we are about to step inside the car the clouds above started thrashing it down with rain.

"We can sit out for a while," Steve tells me as he sees me hesitate to step into the car and closes his door and sits on the hood of the car. The memory of my 17th birthday flash into my mind of how I and Bucky sat like this on our way to the capital. I look down at my ring and Tattoo and smile at the memory as the rain soaks through my hoodie and tracksuit bottoms my hair now dripping over my face and feel content and sit next to Steve.

"How are you feeling?" He asks me and I lean back looking up at the rain as it hits my face I try to get the droplets to avoid my eyes.

"Better thank you" We stay out there for hours, watching the rain and starting to feel the calm overwhelm me I feel better and not having the hot anger trying to burst through the layers of my skin. As the rain dies into a fine mist, we get back into the car completely drenched and head back home, it's now dark which means I have been gone all day almost like a blackout of time.

"We are back!" Steve calls and Nat is the first to make it to the front door pushing Steve out the way and scanning over my body checking for any injury and hold my face in her hands lightly before wrapping her arms around me quickly before pulling away and punching me over and over again in the arm.

"Ash in here, I'm sorry." She doesn't let up just grabs me by my ear and drafts upstairs the boys shout a goodnight, before Nat slams the door and gets into bed ignoring me. "Natasha..." I say softly hoping she will turn around and she does and I notice her red cheeks and slightly puffy eyes.

"I was so worried that I had overstepped last night, or if it was the fact that you had met Yelena. I was so worried I couldn't find you I had to call Steve and Sam. What happened..." She ramble before asking the question she had burning on her mind.

I peeled off my drenched hoodie throwing it into the bathroom. "Yelena asked about my branding, I tried to fight it but the anger from where it came from is hidden under the surface, the scars from hydra don't have the same issue. There was no closing chapter on that part other than my escape." I make my way over to her and place my hands on her cheeks. "It was never you, you're perfect to me. Perfect for me Natalia, Forever my soul"

"And you're my heart, so what can we do to help you with this anger?" She kisses me softly and almost as if she read my mind. "You want to go back"