Please don't read

You know

You know, after all this and that, and by that fact that I know that I'm the one at fault , I just couldn't help but stay mad with how it was dealt. I at least try to politely say goodbye even though I'm mad. I mean, if ghosts much prefer for them to have a proper send off, I'm pretty sure people would also want that as a way to seem like despite the situation, at least you're trying your best to not seem rude and calm as possible in handling it. But then again, people would rather respect the dead than the living. And to be honest, I'm always on edge when I'm about to speak knowing how my words can hurt but as always, if I don't know what the hell is going on, things are bound to fall and all hell breaks loose. You know, since I know you don't want to talk but I'm just gonna place here, since you haven't shown being offended by it and show some kind of playful anger despite me mentioning about other people about this, you somehow just still show playful anger to me so, I thought about it being ok to tease/joke about it sometimes. I didn't know it will offend you just now. And, despite me wishing to apologize but I can't because of how small I felt in that situation for what I've done. I admit once again, I'm in the wrong but with how it ended, to leave me hanging for so long but with no reply, to make me think that we are gonna discuss further, to at least tell me what to do to make it better............ Yeah, I'm not mad nor am I disappointed.......... I'm pissed the hell off............... I'm very hurt.....................................................

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Hehehehehe........

HAHAHAHAHHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAHHAHAHAHAHAAHHAHAHAHAHAHAAHHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHA

Why the hell doe sit hurt so much but I'm used to it? Why am I so used to this feeling of being left in the dark? Waiting for an answer that I'll never get? Why the hell do I not mind this pain???

Oh right HAhaha, this feeling, I love it. I love it because it let's it all out. The pain, I could feel it. It's nice to know what hurts me or not. After all, this shitty event happens to me in my own friend group anyways before and guess what? Something good happened to me. After all, despite all this bullshit, I always hide it. We are expected to look nice despite being hurt by something. I even do that in our conversations. I always tell myself to not be bothered when you hurt me cause after all, it doesn't last long right? This won't last long. Something good should happen in the end. I've learned that in my experience of a pain similar to this. Or is this one even worse? I don't know. I've always wanted to loose my heart anyways so I couldn't feel pain anymore. Nobody would care in the end anyways. Nothing I do that I try to fix always makes it anyways.