We Always Knew

Chapter Two

Mac had come out almost two years ago.

Since then his "love" life had been only meaningless hook-ups.

Last night was the first time he had spent the night with another man.

The first time he had gone on a real date.

It wasn't the most romantic date.

They had gone to the batting cages and then ate pizza at Brandon's house but a date nonetheless.

He told all of this to Brandon.

First, he told him how he had been nervous the entire day but that he was having a nice time with him.

Then words poured out him like a faucet left open.

After dinner, Mac talked about how he was in the closet for most of his life.

How his religion, his father, and others' perception of his masculinity made him afraid to be honest.

It was decades before he could admit his sexuality to himself.

Brandon gave him his full attention and devotion while he talked and when Mac became too upset to continue he took his hands into his.

"I understand, I felt the same way too," he said softly.

Mac told him about the dance he performed at the prison after coming out to his father. About how when he looked out at the audience he saw dozens of faces admiring his performance, admiring his bravery. But his dad just stood up and walked away. Like it was nothing. Like Mac hadn't just bared his soul for his father to see. Like Mac was nothing.

"Like I was nothing," Mac repeated.

At this point, tears began to pour out of Mac's eyes and he stood up wanting to leave immediately ashamed of how he was acting.

"Where are you going?"

"I... I'm sorry. I'm acting like a pussy. I'll leave,"

"You don't have to apologize. Mac, it's okay to cry. Don't leave,"

Mac wiped his eyes furiously trying to erase the tears.

"Come here," Brandon beckoned him with open arms.

Mac fell into the embrace.

"It's okay," he said softly.

Mac couldn't speak because so he just nodded into Brandon's chest.

He had never opened about this, about any of this.

His coming out wasn't something he prepared for.

Mac did it because it was advantageous at the time. That was until he had to pay the arbitration fees and was only left with 200 dollars. Just like with most things he did, it was done with little thought.

It changed the status quo.

It changed his life completely.

It's okay, replayed in his head.

He held onto these words like a child holds their security blanket.

The words reigned true. It was okay, he was okay.

He didn't regret doing it. He was also not planning to go back into the closet. It wouldn't fix anything.

It hurt like a bitch, but he was still here, he was still breathing, and everything was okay.

Brandon held him for a while before breaking the silence.

"It's late," he said "Do you want to stay here? We can share the bed if you don't mind or I'll sleep on the couch?"