Bad Boy Playground (h.s)

twentyseven

brave

Emma

I've been praying.

I'll be honest, at times it seems pointless. It's hard to tell if I truly believe in it.

My whole life, my parents have pushed me into God. They raised me on the Ten Commandments and shamed me on the seven deadly sins. It's so embedded in my mind that it seems like a reflex to kneel down and pray when I'm looking for guidance and answers.

I believe in God. I'm just not sure if it's because of what I've experienced or what I've been told I need to do.

But I don't know what else to do. So I'm praying.

Sometimes in cases like this, God doesn't always answer with what you want to hear, rather with what you need in order to grow. It's challenging but I have seen struggle and coming out on the other side, and I've been grateful for the growth. So if that's God at work, then I do believe in him. And I'm praying that now he can help my friends through their struggles.

It seems like the three of them all have their own secret identities.

I see Monte and Braeden walking down the hallways together, brother and sister, always laughing and joking; but I know that inside Monte is crumpling.

Her situation has also had me questioning my moral integrity.

I was so quick to judge her for her sins, yet when I found out Hope was cheating on the football teams quarterback, I didn't think she was a bad person.

Why is it I can feel so strongly about a wrong someone not so close to me did, but almost indifferent about a wrong committed by a close friend?

It doesn't seem fair. It's just how I feel.

I look at Monte, and I do pray for her, but I also see her as a sinner.

I look at Hope, and I do pray for her, but I see her as a strong independent girl.

Is it because Monte got pregnant? Is it because we've never been super close? Is it because I've secretly been fawning over Liam since grade school? I don't know.

It makes me feel guilty. Like my beliefs that are written in the Bible aren't rationalized. They have to be though, it's what I've been preached to my whole life.

Regardless of how I came to the decision to distance myself from Monte, it still seems unfair. I don't want to be around her because I think poorly of her choices. Call me the b word, tell me I'm being judgmental, say I'm ignorant.

My beliefs are my beliefs.

Why is everyone else entitled to their beliefs but I should feel bad for mine?

I try to be a good person, I try to follow the rules. I just want to make my parents proud. It does get lonely though. Seeing kids my age doing all these things I've been curious about but too scared of eternal damnation to participate in. So I distance from them so I won't be influenced, tempted. And that leaves me all alone.

Just like how Hope feels.

When she confessed her feelings to me in the girls restroom, I couldn't help but shed a few tears out of empathy.

I know what it feels like not to have anyone. To stare at your phone for hours, waiting for someone to text you, wondering why you're not good enough to be liked by them. Yes, I'm friends with Leah, but she's the type of person that's 'loves who your with'. If she's with me, she loves me and agrees with me; if she's with Monte, she loves Monte and agrees with her. She's not a real friend.