Blue as a Fedora

Chapter 7: Exploring

Cold... unforgivingly, painfully cold. No blankets to bring in the warmth. Ella was huddled next to her, shivering as another light breeze swept across the room. Malvina couldn't sleep even if she tried; there was simply too much on her mind. Her heart had been beating like a drum the entire night, as the dark thoughts that had enveloped her in the day stubbornly remained well into the night. What was going to happen to them? What kind of work would they be assigned to do? They were going to survive, right? They weren't going to die... they couldn't die.

When the train had finally slowed down and stopped in front of the camp, there was a fleeting moment where hope had sparked in Malvina's chest. Maybe, just maybe, Peter was in here, still alive and waiting for them. The moment they had been separated from the males, however, the hope began to waver. By the time they were inside the camp, with its colourless, dark atmosphere, tall, wired, intimidating walls and miserable people in prison clothes plodding along, the short-lived hope that Malvina had held vanished in the shortest of seconds.

How many camps were there? Ella had said it was possible that there were camps in neighbouring countries of Germany. That must mean there were many. She was so stupid for thinking that they could find Peter. Incredibly naïve to have even considered the possibility that he was okay. Malvina felt furious and ashamed of herself, her brain refusing to stop reminding her of her stupidity. Tears stained the bunk around Malvina, who had been shifting around in desperation of finding a comfortable position. No such luck. Her limbs were feeling as stiff as ever.

Looking around at the rest trapped in the room, Malvina was at first surprised to see that she and Ella seemed to be the only children here. Then, she reminded herself, most of the kids had left to the other line, which led to who knows where. As disturbing image after disturbing image flashed through her mind, it seemed impossible that she'd ever fall asleep.

Then there was the noise of the other inmates. Sure, they weren't awfully loud, however the sobs, cries and yells from the helpless women seemed to stain on Malvina's brain, so then she heard them even when they weren't making noise.

Up above, Malia had remained silent, as far as Malvina could tell. Malvina could hear as she shifted in the night, but other than that, Malia had been as quiet as a mouse.

Every time Malvina felt like screaming, or crying, or felt as though she were having a panic attack, she'd take out her beautiful necklace to look at. Perhaps looking at the necklace should've made her feel worse... after all it was a reminder of what had happened to Peter. But... it was comforting. It was comforting to gaze solemnly at the necklace, which was reflecting extremely feeble rays of light, coming from a gap in the ceiling above. Malvina had never seen less colours radiating from it before; it was looking as austere as its surroundings. Still, the mere sight of the necklace, abstract on her prison clothing, made her breathing slow, and her brain unfazed.

She was incredibly thirsty... she hadn't had water for at least thirty hours. Her throat felt constricted, razor blades seem to be inching their way into the inside of her throat.

They had been sent to their bunks perhaps eight hours ago. Malvina thought this was a surprising amount of sleep. Perhaps it was because they had only entered the camp the day previously. As soon as this thought reached Malvina, she heard a loud shout from behind the door, which abruptly opened, a thin, German soldier standing in the doorway.

"Wake up! And to breakfast!" he barked, spit showering over the floor in front of him.

Malvina and Ella both pushed themselves up off their bunk, but didn't instantly leave it. Malvina was still feeling completely exhausted and incredibly weak, her empty stomach giving an angry growl, her eyes itching with tiredness.

Ella looked behind her to look at Malvina, who looked back. Ella's eyes were rather bloodshot and her hair was a complete mess. Malvina felt her face become lined with horror, but Ella gave her a small smile. The smile seemed to wake something up in Malvina, and she smiled a little herself.

"You look nice," Malvina said, scanning her younger sister's face, dry blood still on her nose.
Both of them giggled to one another. The smiles were quickly wiped off their faces, however, when they saw the guard at the front pull a woman unceremoniously from her bunk, after she was taking too long to leave.

Quickly, Malvina and Ella went out of the bunk and looked up to see Malia sitting up on her own bunk. She was doing something with her hair, though since it was under her prison hat, Malvina didn't know what she was doing.

Malia then jumped down and, after receiving a questioning look from Malvina, said, "I put up my hair so they wouldn't see it. They're buzzing off everyone's hair, you see."

"Why?" Malvina said.

Malia shrugged.

"I know it sounds a bit silly, but I want to keep my hair," she continued, hiding a little strip of brown that had managed to sneak out of the hat. "I don't want to... lose myself in here, you know?"

Malvina had no idea what Malia meant by this, but she saw as Ella was looking up at Malia with a sad expression on her face.

"You look really tired Malia..." Malvina said anxiously, noticing the dark circles under those pretty eyes.

Malia merely frowned at Malvina, then, taking her hand, the three of them moved towards the door, stepping out into the morning sun.

It must've been six in the morning, perhaps even earlier. The sun was still low on the horizon. Even so, it seemed that all the prisoners in the camp were awake, walking off for breakfast, or setting off to work. Even at this time of the day, lines of people were being formed, leading this way and that.

The women in their room were now being shepherded to the large building with the food; it was breakfast time. Hoping that she'd have more food than last time, Malvina and the others followed the line.

Walking towards the large building, Malvina saw as many prisoners around her were being treated horribly. Guards were shouting in untranslatable German from everywhere and Malvina could see yet more bones around the place, hoping against hope that they weren't human bones. It wasn't until they were halfway up to the breakfast building, when Malvina turned to look to her side and saw two dead bodies, lying near a brick-structure. They were horribly thin, looking more like skeletons than people, and their bodies bore the unmistakable signs of disease. Out of all the things that she had seen for the past few days, the sight in front of her was by far the most disturbing and refused to let go of her mind's eye. Heart-rate intensifying, Malvina instantly grabbed hold of Malia's hand, preparing herself for the tears that were sure to come.

Only none came. Her body simply didn't know how to react to this putrid sight.

They entered the building, and Malvina saw that not too far away, a tap spilling glorious water for prisoners was being guarded by a soldier. Malvina, feeling her throat yell in pain as she swallowed, quickly ran towards the tap without question. The prisoners wanting to drink were in a line, so Malvina shuffled nervously to the back, desperate for the line to thin.

Finally, after a while of waiting, Malvina reached the tap. She instantly put her head under the water, drinking as much as her mouth would allow. It was the most reliving feeling in the world, she was going to be all quenched before she'd leave –

But then a strong hand grabbed her firmly by the shoulder, pulling her away from the tap vigorously. It was the soldier and, as he held firmly onto Malvina with one hand, he put up five fingers with the other.

"Nur fünf Sekunden!" he said angrily. Malvina felt too scared to talk; what did that mean? The soldier scowled at her menacingly, then growled in French, "I said five seconds only, stupid girl... now leave."

He threw her to the ground, and Malvina landed painfully on her face. Pulling herself up from the ground and feeling humiliated, she weakly walked away, pulling up her sleeve as she did. Looking down, she saw that her prison clothes were covered in dirt.

She started to search for Malia and Ella and, for a horrifying second, she was afraid she'd lost them. Then, looking to where the soldiers were giving out food, Malvina saw Ella and Malia waiting in line. Malvina slowly walked towards them, feeling too weak for running.

Malvina weakly lay her head on Malia's arm, and she felt as her older sister smoothly stroked her hair.

"They're going to buzz this off Malvina," Malia muttered, indicating Malvina's long, brown hair, sitting untidily under her prison hat. Malvina felt as Ella took hold of her hand; Malvina felt herself smile slightly.

"Can you put it up for me?" she said in a low voice.

"Sure, let's just get food first..."

The line progressively got shorter, then finally, the three girls were at the front. The Nazi soldiers gave them a bowl of what looked like soup; empty soup, for that; there didn't seem to be any food in the almost empty bowl, just liquid.

Malvina gazed down at her bowl in disgust as the three girls found a little patch of ground to sit on. Ella began eating her food without question, seemingly relieved that she was given anything at all. Malia sniffed her food timidly, then pulled away with a look of distaste. Malvina decided to eat it straight away, her stomach rumbling like mad.

It tasted very off, as if it were three years old. Before Malvina could pull away from the soup, it was all gone, her stomach feeling somehow emptier than before.

The other girls had also finished their soup. Malia, looking at Malvina, took out of her pocket three or so bobby pins, then shifted next to her sister.

"This won't take long," she said gently, running her fingers through Malvina's hair and setting the bobby pins in strategic places. "It will feel uncomfortable though... all that hair in there..."

Malvina didn't respond, and instead took to looking at the dirty floor of the building, where there didn't seem to be any floor at all, but just dirt. Malia continued to fiddle with Malvina's hair, shifting it here and there.

"Do you want me to help you with your hair, Ella?" Malia said, now starting to hide Malvina's hair in her prison cap. "You usually have it in a ponytail anyway..."

"No thanks, Malia," Ella said, placing her empty bowl down neatly in front of her. "I'll be fine."

Malvina felt Malia's hands twitch slightly at these words, pulling a bit of her hair as she did so. Malvina flinched, but it didn't seem anyone had noticed. Finally, Malia put the finishing touches on Malvina's hair, and she could feel how it was completely covered by her cap.

"Thanks Malia," Malvina said, shifting her cap a little.

Malia gave a very small smile, then turned towards Ella, her face now full of worry.

"I've been thinking Ella," she said, Ella now looking up from her bowl, "I'm not sure you will be fine. You're too weak for the work they'll give us... I don't know how you're going to do it."

"Oh, I won't," Ella said, with a tone that suggested this were obvious. Malia exchanged a look with Malvina.

"Then what are you going to do?" she asked. Ella hesitated only for a moment.

"Exploring," she said, now playing with her bowl again.

Malia looked very bewildered at this.

"Exploring?" she said confusedly. "What does that mean?"

"It means going around and discovering new things –"

"I know what it means," Malia cut in, sounding a little hysterical, "but why would you want to explore – well... this?"

She turned to look at the countless, thin prisoners who were being served food from the nasty looking guards. Ella wasn't looking at Malia; she was looking outside a little window nearby, seemingly focused by something.

Malia continued to look expectantly at Ella, until a sudden whistle erupted in the building, echoing loudly off the brick walls. The rumble of noise from before ceased very abruptly. Malvina saw a German guard standing at the front of the room, all attention on him.

"Alle von euch, um zu arbeiten!" he shouted, and immediately the prisoners began standing up and moving towards the exit in lines. It seemed that they had been ordered to leave.

"What do we do?" Malvina asked nervously of Malia, while Ella continued to sit by the window, completely undisturbed.

"Er –" Malia said, but she looked up with sudden fear to something behind Malvina. Malvina turned around to see one of the guards striding menacingly up to them. Sub-consciously, Malvina shuffled towards Malia.

Once the guard was towering above them, he said in a thick, German accent, "Can you vork?"

Malvina almost started crying from fear again, for she didn't understand what the guard was asking. Malia, on the other hand, managed to keep her cool.

"Do you mean labour work?" she said.

"Yes."

Malvina and Malia exchanged looks. Even Malvina, who knew she was rather clueless, knew that if they wanted to survive here, they had to show purpose. Malvina caught Ella's eye, and Ella gave a curt nod.

"Yes," Malia responded automatically, glaring back up at the tall guard. "We can work."

The guard then looked towards Ella, with an expression of complete surprise.

"Vat are you doing here?" he barked.

Ella shrugged with a little smile. Once again, Malvina felt Malia flinch next to her.

"You stay here," the guard said firmly to Ella, then he turned to Malvina and Malia.

"Follow," the guard growled, now starting to stride away.

"Ella," said Malia quickly, as she and Malvina got up from the ground.

"I know," said Ella. "You go, I'll be alright..."

Malia and Malvina quickly got up from their seats on the ground and followed the guard outside the building. They started going up north, passing by a rather thin building that looked surprisingly tidy. Guards and soldiers were strolling in and out of it, and Malvina assumed it was some kind of office for them.

They then went by a giant clearing that was flat and filled with countless prisoners, all doing labour work. They seemed to be building something. Some of the prisoners were carrying extremely heavy objects, whilst others were being whipped by guards. Malvina felt a bone crunch under her shoe. She shivered, looking around the colourless camp. In fact, the only things that seemed to have colour, were those red and black symbols the guards and soldiers had on their bodies.

Malvina watched as many prisoners who were working looked as though they were on the breach of death. Malvina wondered why they didn't take breaks; perhaps the guards didn't allow it? She felt her heart, which was always beating so fast, increase in velocity, hoping against hope that whatever task they had, it wouldn't be too difficult. She wasn't strong. She doubted she could go on without breaks for too long.

They went around this labour working area, turning to the right. Malvina saw more wired fencing and, at first glance, thought it was attached to the fence that surrounded the camp. Then, she realised it was actually creating some sort of square space inside the camp, walled with wired fence. This space wasn't too large; it couldn't have been larger than the building they had been eating in before...

Following the guard to the fence, with Malia on her side, Malvina peeped into the space that the wires were fencing. She could see many, many women who were digging deep into the earth, pushing their shovels into the dirt and shoving them back out. About four or five guards were watching by the sidelines, their intimidating rifles sitting on their shoulders.

"Are we just digging?" Malvina asked the guard, before she could stop herself.

"Yes," scowled the guard, now heading for the wired door that led to the digging grounds. "And no stopping until the guards are happy. Get in now."

For he had just opened the creaking door, giving them a clear path to the other women.

Malia took Malvina's hand and they went through the wired door, the guard slamming it shut once they were inside. Nearby was a small pile of shovels, which Malvina pointed out to Malia. Malia, still grasping tightly to Malvina's hand, trudged with her younger sister to the pile. Malvina picked up a shovel and immediately dropped it.

"What's wrong?" said Malia, holding hers easily and looking at Malvina with concern.

"It's really heavy..." Malvina said nervously. She became uncomfortably aware that Malia was looking at Malvina's arms. She looked down at them too, and noticed how her bones appeared more pronounced than she last remembered.

"Beeil dich dort!" shouted one of the guards. Malvina glanced behind Malia's back and saw one of the guards staring at them, clearly being the one who shouted.

"We better hurry, Malvina," said Malia anxiously, picking up Malvina's shovel and attempting to hand it to her. "We need to start digging –"

"But, I can't carry it, Malia!" Malvina protested. She knew that this wasn't the time to act spoiled, but the shovel was simply too heavy for her; she doubted that she could hold it for more than ten seconds.

"I know Malvina, but –"

"Warum hast du aufgehört?" yelled one of the guards from the fence. Malia groaned in frustration and turned around, but the guards weren't looking at her and Malvina: they were looking at a young woman who had collapsed in a heap onto the ground, her shovel beside her.

"Du hast fünf Sekunden!" he roared, holding his gun to the woman's head. "Zurück an die Arbeit!"

The woman's body remained motionless on the floor and, for one moment, Malvina thought her dead. Then she had raised her head ever so slightly, with pleading eyes to the guard.

"Drei!" the guard yelled. Malvina couldn't believe how the rest of the women weren't even paying attention to this sight; as if this happened all the time...

"Zwei!" the guard shouted.

Malvina already knew what was going to happen and she felt as her breathing became rapid. She felt herself stumbling backwards, felt as she fell onto the fence, holding it as if for comfort. Malia hadn't moved from where she was.

"Eins!"

Malvina wanted to close her eyes, or to cover them, but her body seemed to have lost its ability to respond to her brain. The gun was pointed, there was a roaring boom, and the woman lay motionless on the floor, blood spouting from her head.

The women continued working, the guards watching them as if nothing had happened. Malia turned back to Malvina, worry in her eyes.

"Malvina..." she began.

"I know," Malvina breathed in a trembling voice. She struggled to get up from the fence, then, with the help of Malia, she heaved up her shovel. It was horribly heavy in her weak arms and Malvina moaned slightly as she held it. Malia gave a weak, little nod, then they both clambered to the digging site with the other women, where more dead bodies were lying.

And so, they began. Malvina, who had had almost no food and barely any water, was completely exhausted after only a minute of weak digging. There was absolutely no energy to help her dig her shovel into the ground, and then heave it back up and throw the dirt in the air behind her. Her body was screaming in protest, desperate for a break. Malvina felt herself tremble, as though the temperature had dropped ten degrees.

The memory of the woman being shot didn't help either. Her mind seemed to have space for nothing else, as Malvina was forced to re-watch in her mind the memory of the guard's angry face, the black gun, the woman's body, and the big sounding boom that ended another's life.
All the women around Malvina and Malia were clearly suffering from exhaustion as well, though they continued on without question. Although the individual effort of each was slow, together, the hole was expanding at an impressive rate.

It was only five minutes later when Malvina paused in her slow, exhausting digging. She simply couldn't go on. Her arms seemed to be crying for rest and her legs were wobbling so severely it was becoming difficult to stand up. Her sagging prison clothes were covered in dirt and, now looking down, she realised blood. She heaved herself upon her shovel and felt it slide into the dirt a few inches. Tears were protruding from her eyes, whether out of exhaustion, fear, the memory of the woman, the atmosphere or perhaps all combined, she wasn't sure.

Out of the corner of her eye, Malvina could see Malia inch closer to her, her shovel over her shoulder. She continued to dig, but right in front of Malvina. It took a moment for Malvina to realise what she was doing; she was hiding her from the guards' eyes.

Not a moment later, one of the Nazi guards was shouting again, this time at a middle-aged woman, who was heaving on her shovel as Malvina was at that moment. She was shot without question, her body falling into the huge pit that the women had created. Overtime, more bodies were shot and fell into the pit – but Malvina was now seeing it for what it truly was: a mass grave.

Although her body was begging her to stop, and although her brain was crying for her to rest, Malvina pressed on, heaving heavily into the earth and chucking it behind her. Malvina's limbs were aching as though she had been running for hours, but now a new sensation was kicking in. She felt as though she was going to throw up; her stomach was swirling and her mouth was extremely dry. Only, there was nothing to come up, as her stomach was empty. Every time she swallowed, hot daggers seeped into the interior of her throat, no sweat falling from her face, since there was no water in her body.

It was an hour in, when even Malia was beginning to show signs of weakness, when Malvina began retching violently. Coughing up absolutely nothing from her stomach, she dropped her heavy shovel hastily and lay on all fours, retching with the sound of a tortured person.

She heard Malia's voice say something nearby, then the loud shouts of the guards. She knew she couldn't stay there and tried desperately to stand back up. But... but it was comfortable on the dirt, where she could lie and not move. Perhaps death was better than working... yes... it seemed smarter to stay where she was.

Then, she felt as two hands clamped onto her shoulders and raised her into a standing position. Weakly looking up with half-closed eyes, Malvina saw Malia's face swim into view, still holding her shoulders. Malia then turned to the guards and shouted, "Well, she's okay now! Go look somewhere else, will you?"

She then looked back to Malvina, her face etched with worry. She picked up Malvina's shovel from the ground and handed it back to her gently. Malvina grasped it, and looked into Malia's pleading face. Malvina could feel how her eyes were sagging and how her mouth was half open. Malia gave a small nod, then returned to her digging.

Knowing that she had no choice, what with the dozens of dead bodies that were now lying in the deep pit, Malvina pressed on, ignoring the fact that the outline of her bones on her body were becoming clearer than ever.