Letters and Poems

18: Hurt

Some days, I feel helpless, emotionally hurt and my body aches. There are days where I want to hurt myself in the worst way possible... slice my wrists open, choke myself and die. It feels like all my happiness is drained, all the sadness, hurt, scars and thoughts come up and makes me want to cry but I can't. I burn myself just to feel the pain, smoke so my lungs have difficulty breathing and drown myself in silence. All these voices in my head, telling me I'm not good enough, I need to do better, no one likes me, and so so much more. It hurts to know that it's true, that no one likes me. That I'm just here to be taken advantage of. My thoughts run cold as I stand on rooftops in a shirt and shorts in the middle of the night, the cold air brushing against my skin, jolting them from the cold and yet, i don't feel the cold. I don't feel the pain others feel as they walk through the snow barefoot. I feel numb. I need help, i know and yet no one wants to. I've reached out and the only thing i hear is to get a grip, to smile and yet here i smile. Convincing others on the outside I'm happy, yet I'm broken on the inside, shattered. My heart broken, wondering if i could ever love like others do. Jealousy rages inside me and yet i stay calm, what's there to be jealous about when i know the other will move on in the future, leaving me behind as usual. Wishing me good luck and then disappear. What is luck? What is love? Can i love? Or is it just the sexual tension inside me that wants love just so my body gets satisfaction. I know i love them and yet it feels like km being ignored. Hurt. Emotionally distressed. I just want to die and yet, I can't. Help. This is my cry for help and yet deep down, I know no one will hear.