Letters and Poems

20: help me

As I lay here, I reminis,
The good and the bad.
Everything that has happened,
And everything that hasn't.
The torture I've been put through for nearly a year,
The pain and the suffering I took,
So they could be happy.
It took me a while to get over it.
Not because I miss them,
But because of what went wrong.
Was it me?
Was it them?
I don't understand myself anymore.
The good, the bad.
What is right?
What us wrong?
The days passed where I threw myself infront of everything,
Just to protect them and then get taken advantage of.
The days are gone, where I feel sympathy for everyone but a few and even then,
I feel cold.
What is love?
What is friendship,
If everything just hurts you more.
Friends come and go.
The family, hate you as you try and heal.
I need time.
I need space.
And yet, there is none.
Am I fine?
Am I okay?
What is this sensation I feel every night?
I just lay here, waiting.
Waiting for what?
I do not know.
I hope I can heal.
I hope I can jump.
Where shall I go?
What shall I do?
So many questions,
So little answers.
Yet I am still here.
The fights not over.
My thoughts won't win.
My mind is breaking,
Yet I will stay strong,
For the few that care.
I want to die,
Yet can't bring myself to it.
It hurts,
Knowing I've done everything I could.
And yet a restart is good.
But learning is a struggle.
Am I doing it right?
Are they sad?
Did I make them sad?
Did I make them angry?
Are they testing me?
It hurts.
My head,
My body,
My bones,
My muscles.
I want this to end.
I want my pain to stop.
I want to scream and shout,
Yet no word comes out.
Please stop.
Please...
Help