Of Waves and War

14: then i will have no choice

Penelope

Leaving Ithaca I resolved not to cry. He promised eloquently to write me daily till I grew sick of him. I also resolved not to believe that because I didn't know men to keep their promises. I was doing very well with that, resolving not to miss him, right up until I opened up my suitcase, which of course he'd slipped a letter in. I should have been suspicious him offering to carry the case. He didn't generally expect me to need things carried for me or anything of the kind so of course he was slipping his light fingers into it.

When I opened my bag there as letter tucked on top, and my name on it of course in his elegant script. It was sealed properly though it felt thin. I opened it carefully.

I bet you'll marry me

(if I'm right you have to wear this. If I'm wrong I have to love you from afar)

Inside was a necklace in the shape of an arrow. He won. He always does.

I penned a reply and sent it as soon as my ship docked.

You win (this round)

Nothing more nothing less. He'd know what it meant. Apparently, and I have his father's word on this so it must be true, when he got the reply he shouted and leapt up in joy. And eventually his mother snatched it from him and said  "what did you win, what did you do this time?" and would not believe what I meant was that I would marry him. Of course I would marry him. What else was I to do? I was already going to love him forever. It was too late.

My family did not take the news of my prospective engagement very well. Well, my father was happy to write to his and all that to arrange things. My mother and sisters were happy to kidnap me off to a room to question me as to what drug I was under the influence of and if my older brothers (twins and equally impossible and violent) needed to be summoned.

They could not believe I hadn't already slept with him. They certainly didn't believe he hadn't so much as kissed me, not doing more than taking my arm or putting a hand on my shoulders, or helping me down from a horse. They definitely didn't believe I, of my own free will, wanted this trickster Ithacan prince.

He's no good. He's a liar. All of them are. Whispers are his family has immortal blood. My mother would not cease.

"Mother, Helen has immortal blood," I sighed.

"Shhh, we pretend I don't, me and Pollux are completely mortal don't know what you mean," Helen said, rolling her eyes.

"This is not about your sister this is about you. And your safety! How could you imagine you'd be happy with a man like that?"

"I don't see how I can be happy without him," I said, my fingers on his necklace.

"He and his whole family---haven't you heard enough stories? They'd sell out one another if it would turn a good profit, not a word he speaks can be counted as true," My mother sighed.

"I know when he's lying. More than that, he makes me happy," I said, standing up, "If you can't respect that then learn to accept it."

I left then. Helen came to me later that evening. I was in my room, weaving. I'd missed it and Eulises was fascinated by the concept, apparently the women in his family preferred knives. I told him I'd make him something, but I hadn't decided what. He'd insisted I explain every detail of the process and listened attentively. I'd told him how it felt for the fabric to glide under my fingers, choosing the right threads and colors to melt into each other. Describing it made it all the more beautiful for him to be listening, head titled, perfectly attentive.

"Don't be cross," Helen said, coming in and lying on my bed.

"I'm not, I know you only worry," I said, leaving my work and turning to her on my stool. "I'm fine."

"I'm here, worried as your older sister. Because I do need you in my wedding," she said, but we both knew she didn't mean it. She was worried for me.

"He's not like that man," I said, twisting the rings on my fingers. I meant the man who kidnapped her. It was years since now. But even so.

"Most of them are," she said.

"You and Pollux aren't mortal," I said, knowing she meant demi-gods. The man who took her was. That's the only reason he was able to overpower her if only briefly. "They are an old family. I don't even know if he had an immortal ancestor."

"I just mean men. But especially ones like him. He is a liar, you said it yourself," she said.

"I know," I knew he was. "I'm not saying he wouldn't lie to me. I'm saying I know when he is."

"You think that now," she said, gently, "Just---you've never courted anyone else. I'm not saying most of them aren't idiots or dull and I know you're cleverer than half of them put together but, if you could find one stupider than you that's kind, rather than the one person in the world who is as smart as you but happens by the world's chief liar, could you—try?"

"I love him," I said, "And I enjoy thinking he loves me. It may not be true and it may end, but I want to enjoy it while it can last. It's worth that to me."

"You're not just doing this because he slept with you?" she asked, "You can tell me. Not just because I'm your sister but also because mother's really convinced the only reason you're agreeing to marry him is because you're  pregnant."

"Oh my gods," I groaned.

"Did he do anything?" she asked, gently.

"No, I promise you he did no more than touch my cheek. It's not like that. I do love him, but I'm not stupid enough to give him virginity," I would absolutely have given him my virginity had he even so much as mentioned the subject. He was gorgeous to me, all smooth bronze and black eyes and thick black curls and thin cruel lips I wanted to kiss over and over. Let him say a million fine words to me I cared little if they were true or no, they were pleasant to hear. I'd thought of it, and I would have willingly let him take me in the fields, or the forest, or even the quiet of his father's study which we spent many an afternoon in, reading.

"Good," Helen said, as if she did really believe me, "I don't trust him. But if you want him, I want you be happy."

"You don't have to trust him. He'd say you'd do well not to," I said, smiling.

"You will make a pair. But when you tire of his silver tongue I'll be more than happy to help you slice it out," she whispered the last bit, making me laugh.

"That won't be necessary," I said, hugging her, "I am well, I promise. He makes me happy."

"I hope that continues, come now, I'm going to teach you the draughts to prevent childbirth."

"YOU ARE SO EMBARRASSING!!!"

"So are you, shut up. Also mother won't leave me alone until I do she says she taught me once so she's delegating and she also is having a nervous breakdown about your hopefully non-existent pregnancy," Helen rolled her eyes, "Honestly if he DID get you with child it's not like he hasn't said he'll marry you. It's really the two of you procreating we have to worry about that's far too much cleverness and wiles for one poor baby."

"He held my hand, nothing more! I asked him for a kiss goodbye and he kissed his own fingers and put them to my cheek," I sighed.

"Oh that's sweet, also weird. What, does he have a disease or something?" she asked, frowning.

"He said he was afraid, he said he felt he could talk people into anything and he didn't want me to do something I'd not do if it weren't for his charms," I said.

"If you're making this up," she sighed, rubbing her face.

"No, I promise, he said all that. He is kind to me, he proposed in the letter I'm sure for the same reason," I said.

"I just don't want him breaking your heart someday," she said.

"My prince is no heartbreaker," I said.

Of course he's broken my heart. Not torn it asunder. Just cracked it. not of his own will though. If I know anything at all then I know that he would come home to me if he could. Something is stopping him. And yes, perhaps that something is death.