Take My Breath (KShaw)

Chapter 21

Simon's question makes sense when Harry goes to his room after being in the library all afternoon the next day. The first thing he notices, upon entering the room, is that their wastebasket is full of balled up papers, which is weird enough. But then his eyes fall on his bed, on the neat black envelope, sealed with a single chocolate. Harry groans. He pops the chocolate into his mouth and breaks the seal on the envelope, pulling out the thick parchment inside. The writing on it is kind of sloppy, admittedly, but it looks like it'd been carefully written down, probably more than once, guessing by the state of their garbage bin.

This is not what I intended. I may have failed but I have loved you from the start, Harry reads, eyes skimming over the slanted words. I know you don't think that I am trying, I know you're wearing thin down to the core. But hold your breath...

He reads it over three times, eyebrows drawn together. And then he reads it once more, for good measure, before putting the 'poem' back in the envelope and pulling out his laptop. He types the words in, and he shakes his head. He knew it. They're song lyrics. It's not even a plagiarised poem, they're fucking song lyrics. Jesus Christ, really? He snorts to himself. And while he still has no idea what JJ's trying to do, he's not going to just ignore him this time.

It's almost an hour later when JJ comes into the room, once again sweaty after a workout. He shuts the door behind himself and bites his lip, eyes moving from the envelope on the desk to Harry's face. "What the hell even was that?" Harry asks him. JJ licks his lips. "Um." "Those were song lyrics," Harry states. JJ rubs his neck, wincing. "I was hoping you wouldn't notice."

Harry shuts his laptop and stands up. JJ takes a step back, moving away from him. "What are you trying to do, JJ? Putting cheesy song lyrics in envelopes and giving me chocolates and shit." "I tried writing poetry myself," JJ admits, stammering a bit. "Simon said it'd be better than flowers, but I'm as shitty at writing as I am at drawing, apparently, and- it didn't work. So I thought maybe... but obviously you figured it out." "But why would you even bother?" Harry demands. "I don't get it." "Like- like I said, I'm trying," JJ explains. "I'm trying to-" "Well cut it out," Harry snaps. "It's creepy."

He leaves the room, but not before he sees the wounded look on JJ's face. But he closes the door on it, too confused to do anything else. Too confused by everything he feels, and everything JJ's doing. He lights up a cigarette on his way to the coffee shop, and he texts Ethan and Tobi, asking them where they are, begging them to come meet him. Only there's no consolatory party this time.

When he explains what happened this time, Tobi slaps his arm hard enough that it stings. "You're an asshole," he says. "You better not have actually said that to him." Harry gapes at him for it. "What? But-" "No," Tobi says. "You know, through this entire thing you've been acting like JJ's the only one who's done wrong. And I'm not saying he hasn't, because he has. You've both fucked with each other a lot, and you've both done and said some pretty shitty things. But you don't own up to it, Harry. You act like you're a victim, and JJ's here to make your life hell when, in reality, you've done as much as him."

Both Harry and Ethan look at him in surprise. Harry's mouth feels dry, and he's possibly going to throw up the sandwich he'd had for lunch. "Tobi-" "Dont," Tobi says, and Harry has no idea where this side of him came from. He didn't know Tobi was capable of looking like that, fierce and angry. And he definitely didn't think Tobi would ever get like that with him. "You know what you both need to do? Before anything? You need to fucking opologize to each other." And with that he stomps away from the bench they were all sitting at, heading in the direction of their dorm. Harry is too numb to call after him, or follow him. He feels sick and cold and tears are prickling his eyes. But he deserves it, doesn't he? Tobi's right, Harry knows it. He's been a complete ass to JJ this whole time. And he's been aware of it, he has, but- maybe he does need to own up to it. And maybe, in some weird, confusing way, that's what JJ's trying to do. Maybe he's trying to apologize for all of this shit that's happened.

"I need to go," Harry mutters. "Sorry, Ethan." Ethan looks up from his phone. "You really are a dick, you know." "Yeah." "JJ's with Simon. You won't find him in the room." "How d'you know that?" Harry asks. Ethan holds up the phone. "It's this wonderful new invention, texting. Simon told me that JJ just got to his room, and apparently he's cursing your name to the heavens, babe. He's pissed at you."

Harry chews his lip. The thing is, he knows himself too well to think that he'll still be willing to apologize later. Knows that he'll over think it, come up with excuses not to. Knows that he'll chicken out and run from this all like he's been trying to do for weeks now, ever since that night with the paint when he realized that he couldn't keep emotions out of it anymore. "Can you- can you ask him to send JJ to the room?" Harry asks, soft and hesitant, not fully sure, even now, that he wants to do this. Ethan's fingers blur over the keys, and a second later his phone beeps with a new message. "Simon says he likes you but right now you can go fuck yourself," Ethan relays. He types out another message. "Now Simon says that JJ says that he doesn't want to talk to you." More typing. "Okay, now Simon says that he's trying to convince JJ, but JJ is ignoring him. And he also-"

Harry snatches the phone from his hand and presses call. He waits a beat, as it rings, wondering if Simon will even answer, but Simon picks up seconds later with a snapped, "JJ doesn't want to talk to him, okay?" Harry sucks in a breath. "Can you put JJ on?" Silence. Then, "I'm not sure if that's a good idea. He doesn't want to talk to you, and I don't blame him." Harry swallows his pride. "Please."

There's rustling on the other end, a heated conversation that he can't hear because Simon must be covering the receiver. Silence falls for a moment, before more rustling and finally JJ's voice, thick and quiet, "What do you want?" "Can you meet me in the room?" Harry asks. "To talk. Please." "Talk about what? What's there to talk about, at this point, Harry? Really? Because I don't see any reason why I should anymore, and I don't see any reason why you'd even want to." "Please," Harry says again. That's it, nothing else. "Okay," JJ sighs. "I'll be there in a minute." "And if you're an ass to him again Harry I swear I'll-" The call ends, cutting off Simon in the background. Harry hands the phone back to Ethan.

"He's meeting you, then?" Ethan questions. Harry nods. "He said he would, anyway. He might not. I wouldn't blame him if he didn't." Ethan stands up, resting his hand on Harry's shoulder. "You're welcome to stay at ours if things go bad, okay? Even if Tobi yelled at you, we're here for you." "Yeah, I know," Harry says. "Thanks." Ethan waves him off. "Anytime. Now I'm gonna go get some pizza. Your relationship drama is exhausting."