Take My Breath (KShaw)

Chapter 22

The walk to his dorm is far shorter than Harry had hoped it would be. His hands may be shaking, just a bit, as he pulls open the door to their floor. And he gets halfway down the hall to their room before panic sets in. What if JJ doesn't want to hear him out? What if he just yells at Harry instead? Or, what if Harry can't think of the right words to say? What if it all comes out as a jumbled mess and he only makes things worse?

Fuck it. He pushes open the door anyway. And JJ's not there. Harry chews his lip, looking around, as if JJ could be hiding somewhere. But unless he's under the beds, he's not. So Harry sits down at the desk, turned to face the door, and he waits. And the longer he waits, the more nervous he gets, until he's ready to jump out of the chair and leave the room.

JJ comes in before he can. He's wearing a thick hoodie and sweatpants, and Harry's pretty sure half of that belongs to Simon. JJ softly shuts the door behind himself and leans against it, head ducked. He looks- he looks hurt, like what Harry said to him earlier had truly, deeply wounded him. So Harry sucks it up, closes his eyes, and says a sincere, genuine, "I'm sorry." When he opens his eyes, JJ's still got his head ducked, but his gaze meets Harry's. His brown eyes are narrowed and distrustful. "For what, exactly?" Harry squirms. "Um. A lot of things?" JJ nods. "You should be."

"Yeah, but so should you," Harry points out. JJ nods again, pushing away from the wall. His feet drag across the floor on the way to his bed, like he's too tired to fully lift them. He falls onto it, leaning forward to put his head in his hands. Harry doesn't bother him, figures JJ needs a moment and lets him have it. When he finally lifts his head again, he says, "I was trying to win you over. With the chocolates, and the..." He waves a hand. "Song lyrics," Harry supplies. Once more, JJ silently nods his confirmation. "I thought you were fucking with me, that's why I reacted that way. But Simon said you weren't, and Tobi yelled at me, and-" "Tobi yelled at you?" JJ looks completely shocked. "Right? I didn't see it coming, either." Harry slides a hand through his hair. "He told me I should apologize, too."

JJ stiffens, expression going blank. "So that's why you're doing it, then," he says coldly. "Because Tobi told you to." Harry is out of the chair in seconds. He kneels in front of JJ, hands hesitantly resting on his thighs, in case JJ doesn't want to be touched. But JJ doesn't push him away, so he takes that as encouragement. "That's not why I'm apologizing," he says lowly. "I mean, that's why I'm doing it now, but that's- I'm not saying it just because Tobi told me I should. I'm saying it because I mean it." JJ snorts, disbelieving. "Right."

"JJ," Harry pleads. "What are you sorry for, then?" JJ asks. He's sitting with his back straight, hands clenched on the bed at his sides, eyes on the wall above Harry's head. "If you mean it, then what are you sorry for? Specifically?" Harry chews the inside of his lip. It makes him sick, how many things could fill in the blank here. So, so many options that it's really no wonder JJ hates him. Maybe Harry was justified in his hatred for JJ, too, but that doesn't make it okay. They'd both fucked up, as Tobi said.

"For not thanking you for the chocolates," he decides, going with the last offence first. "And the song lyrics. Even if it was cheesy as hell." JJ groans. "Can we just pretend that never happened, please? God, that's almost as bad as the Christmas party when I set up the lights and got your present and you never showed up. You make me do a lot of embarrassing things, apparently." "The lights?" Harry asks, completely lost. JJ's face flushes. "I, uh, borrowed a few Christmas lights from the party and hung them up. I thought it'd be romantic." "And I didn't show up," Harry states. "And you didn't show up," JJ repeats. "I felt like an idot. It- it was definitely one of the lower points of my life. Here I was, ready to spill my heart out to you, and you dont even show. Like, I could have handled the rejection just fine. I don't expect you to feel things for me just because I feel them for you. But you didn't even come, and I realized afterwards that I was stupid to think that you would."