Take My Breath (KShaw)

Chapter 19

Honestly, Harry isn't eavesdropping. Really, he's not. He was just coming back to the room for a moment to grab a book he needed before he returned to the library, where he'd even left things on the table with the intention of returning. Only he goes to push open the door without knocking, and he hears the raised voices inside, and... They're fighting. They're loud. He doesn't have to lean his head against the door to hear the distinct words they're saying. Which is why he doesn't feel that bad about it. If it was a conversation they were trying to keep private, they wouldn't be arguing so loud.

"-it is!" The voice is female; it has to be JJ's girlfriend, even if he's never heard her talk in a voice that was anything but sweet and soft. "Just tell me who the hell it is!" "It won't make a difference," JJ reasons. "Telling you who it was-" "Was," she repeats, cutting him off. "You're using past tense, JJ, but we both know it isn't. God, I can see it right now on your face. Who the hell is she? An ex-girlfriend? Is that it? You still have feelings for her, don't you?" "It's not an ex-girlfriend," JJ says lowly, and Harry does have to lean in to hear it. But he pulls back immediately, wincing at his own actions.

"I promise you, Sarah-" "Don't lie to me, JJ," she snaps. "Just be honest with me for five seconds, that's all I'm asking of you!" "It's complicated." "Complicated," she repeats, and Harry knows JJ's fucked up now. "People always say that, but it's not! Cheating isn't complicated! It's not something that just happens. It's not an accident, JJ! It's a bad choice. A mistake. A huge mistake, but it's not a fucking accident. It's not something uncontrollable. It's not that complicated to keep your body parts to yourself!" "I know that," JJ insists. "That's why | told you. You deserved to know." "What I deserve is a boyfriend that doesn't cheat on me, actually," she spits.

Harry hears footsteps heading for the door, and he jumps back, eyes wide. Shit. He pulls the hood of his sweater over his head and starts walking in the opposite direction, head ducked just in case. "And stay away from me!" he hears behind him, just before a door slams. Harry slowly walks down the hall. He can hear her going in the opposite direction, but when the footsteps are distant and no longer within hearing distance, he stops.

Should he give JJ his space? Or should he go get his stuff? He really needs that book, he thinks, and maybe a part of him wants to make sure JJ's okay. Even if he's still pissed at JJ about yesterday. Even if he's done his best to avoid looking JJ in the eyes since all of that went down.

Harry turns on the spot and heads back to the room. He pushes inside, only to find JJ sitting on Harry's bed, head in his hands. He looks up when Harry shuts the door softly behind himself, and his eyes are wet and red-rimmed. "I, um, came to get my book," Harry mumbles. "I can come back later, or-" "No, it's fine." JJ gets off his bed. "I'm fine," he adds. "I didn't ask," is out of his mouth before he can stop it. It's automatic, a reflexive response. He hates himself as soon as the words are out there, and JJ actually flinches at them, as if Harry had slapped him. "No, you didn't," JJ says, gruff, voice thick. "Why would you care, right?"

Harry leans up to grab his book from the shelf, and then he stands there, just at the end of his bed, book hanging at his side. He wants to apologize, but then, at the same time, he doesn't. What he really wants, most of all, is to not care. Because if this had happened three months ago, he wouldn't. He wouldn't give a shit if he walked into the room to find JJ almost crying. He would have just walked back out without giving it a single thought. But now- now he wants to wrap his arms around JJ. Wants to rub JJ's back until he no longer look so broken and defeated. And it's Harry's fault, partially, why he looks like that. It takes two people to cheat on someone, and Harry had as much a part in it as JJ did.

"I'm-" JJ shakes his head, and the words die in Harry's throat. Slowly, JJ picks his way across the room, over the mess on his own side, over to Harry's spotless side. Harry steps back, for some reason, until he hits the edge of his dresser, but JJ keeps coming until he's trapping Harry against it. It's rough again, whatever gentleness they'd shared the last two times gone when JJ's lips crash down against his own. And Harry goes with it, for awhile. Just as it's instinctive to snap at JJ, kissing him back is an automatic response to JJ's lips brushing his own. But JJ's girlfriend just dumped him, and Harry has no doubt that that is exactly why this is happening. That Harry's going to be JJ's rebound, for now. Until he finds someone else again, and then he'll leave Harry in the cold once more.

And Harry is sick. He's sick of never being good enough for anyone. Sick of always being a dirty secret, never someone's first choice. Never the one they want to hold hands with, or curl up and watch movies with, or go to dinner with. Harry's always the one they want behind closed doors, but Harry doesn't want that anymore. He pushes JJ away from him. "No," he says firmly. "You can't just do that anymore." JJ shuffles back a step, and then another. He wipes at his mouth, eyes on the ground. "Harry." It sounds like a plea, but a plea for what? "I can't do this," Harry says. "You can't keep kissing me whenever you want. You can't keep- fucking with my head. I'm done. Okay? I'm done." "But-"

Harry walks away. Just like he had to with Cal. Because if not, this would continue on for God knows how long. Until he was shattered beyond repair, all at the hands of JJ. And he can't handle that. He can't do that to himself. No matter how much he wants to go back and kiss JJ and act like it's okay, it's not. It's not. On his way out of the dorm, he stops at Ethan and Tobi's door. They're not in, so he grabs the marker hanging from the whiteboard and writes; In the library. Need you. -H

Harry walks straight past the front desk when he gets to the library. He doesn't have it in him to nod a greeting to Nancy, like he normally does. Instead he heads for the back, for the table that he's practically claimed as his own. A few tables down, a girl is asleep with her head in a book, but he's alone aside from her and the books. Ethan and Tobi don't get there for a while, but when they do it's with snacks and... "Simon?"

"We were hangin' out," Simon says with a shrug. He sits in the seat right beside Harry. "I'm really good at cheering people up, so I figured I'd come." "I don't think you want to cheer me up," Harry admits. "It's got to do with JJ." "Course it does." Simon shrugs again, stealing a chip from the bag that Ethan snuck in. "When JJ's crying on my shoulder, it's always over you. And I figure it's the same the other way around." Harry frowns. "When was JJ crying?"

"Well, not crying," Simon corrects. "He doesn't cry. He just, like, takes a lot of deep breaths and rubs at his eyes. He's too manly for tears or some shit. I don't know. All I do know is I've never seen such a fucked up relationship in my life, to be honest." "Same," Ethan puts in. "You two are the biggest mess." "I hate to agree," Tobi says, "but it's kind of the truth." "It wasn't a relationship," Harry denies. "And whatever it was- I called it off this time. JJ didn't have to. After last night... that was the last time. I'm done with it."

"Last night?" Ethan demands. "What happened last night? Why wasn't I informed immediately?" "Uh, Harry came in when JJ was with his girlfriend, wouldn't leave, and it ended with JJ blowing Harry. And then JJ said something, Harry stormed out, or- I don't know, I kinda tune out whatever he says when he mentions Harry's name anymore," Simon says sheepishly. "Sorry, dude, no offence to you. But there's only so many times I can hear 'I hate him, Simon. He's so attractive and smart and down to earth and he looks so hot in his glasses but I really hate him'."

Harry blinks in surprise. He snatches the bag of chips away from Simon when he reaches for it casually, as if what he just said wasn't a big deal. "He said that?" he demands. "JJ- he said those things?" "Uh, yeah." Simon snatches the chips back. "The guy, like, worships you, dude. Not that he'd admit it, but." No way. "That's not true." "Sure it's not," Simon says. He rolls his eyes. "It's like talking to a brick wall of denial with both of you." "It really is," Ethan says. "They're so oblivious to their own feelings."

"I'm right here," Harry reminds him. Ethan throws a chip at him. "I know. Get a clue." Harry ignores him. And he thinks Simon has it twisted. JJ doesn't think that way of him. Harry would know.

"So, are you two dating?" Simon ask Ethan and Tobi. The two of them exchange a look before bursting into laughter. Harry tunes them out, too busy wondering about JJ, and what Simon said. And thinking that Simon's so, so wrong, but how much he wishes Simon was right.