Wanderer's Mind (Random)

I'm gonna go

Hey everyone. I don't know how to say this or what to say, but pretty much what the title says. I'm not gonna be writing anything rn, not even tags. No videos, no posts about anything, just nothing. Dunno for how long. However, I should still be around on this platform to look at notifications and stuff, mainly because I know I won't be doing anything else and even though I've considered it, I don't think I'm capable of completely walking away from everything and everyone here. So pretty much, I'll probably still read stuff that you guys post and I'll still be open to DMs.

To be honest, I've kind of been feeling like this for a while. And I'm sorry, I know I should be better than this - I should've finished Rebellion years ago, literally. But rn I haven't posted a new chapter for it in like 2 months because I just can't bring myself to sit down and write it for longer than 10 minutes, I've got no motivation whatsoever. I can't do it. And it sucks because people want to read more of it, and I'm sorry. For someone who's ideal career is to be a content creator, I just can't create any content. And it's not just that.

I don't have any motivation to do anything. I'm 18 now, and everyone I know is moving forwards so fast, and so much further than I ever could. I can't keep up with anyone. Everyone I know is going to university, most of my friends my age are in a stable relationship and have a stable job, everyone knows what they want to do and everyone's just walking their path. But not me. At this point, even though everyone keeps telling me otherwise, I'm certain that I don't have a path. There's nothing I really want to do, nothing I really want to study, and I don't expect that to just suddenly change. I'm sick of being entirely blind to the future. I'm sick of falling in love with people and then breaking up with them again and again and again, I don't think I can do that ever again. I'm sick of relationships falling apart. I'm sick of having no motivation to do anything at all, and I'm sick of not being able to move forward. I don't see a path for me, I don't see any signs, it's just pitch black and dark if that makes sense. There are very few things in life that I want (or once wanted, idk) but I have little hope that I'll ever get those things in life. I just keep wondering what the point to anything is - why study something which I don't want to study, to get a job I won't enjoy anyway... to make money that I won't know what to do with? To learn to drive, but drive where, to who? To buy a house, but why?

I know this is depressing to read, sorry. This is kinda just what's been going through my head. It's an insight to how I feel, and a reason for why I'm doing this. It's just that life keeps getting worse and worse for me, and I don't know what the future will be like. Everything, and I mean everything, is so uncertain. I feel like I don't have anything at all at the moment - no idea, no path, no purpose and very little hope - but the one thing I know that I do have rn is the people and friends around me, so I'm glad I've at least got that. I just don't know if I'll ever figure myself out. I'm lost in the world, and I feel completely and permanently alone. I just hope that someday, some things change.

So yeah, sorry I'm not posting anything. If you have questions you can ask me, but tbh, I probably won't have the answers. Thank you for reading and for being here, and I'll see you around sometime.