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he'd always been brilliant at deciphering you, from how you felt to how you'd react; he knew you like the back of his hand. better than you were aware of. you were grateful for that sometimes
though you were glad for it at times, you also despised it. you despised it so much... how could he see right through you? why does he do it?... were you really so frail? that helpless?
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" i'm leaving now, love... i'll be home by 8, i promise! ", he speaks from the other side of the door. he says he'll return by then... but will he? lies. that's all he's been spewing for the last few weeks.
" i love you, take care..." your heart tells you yes, but your head tells you no. he's drifting away from you... and all you can do is watch helplessly as it happens right in front of your eyes, and no matter how much you convince yourself that you're not the cause, you can't seem to accept it.
his shift ends at 5, why's he coming back by 8?
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after hours of behavioral reflection, you decide to be a good wife and drop his lunch at the office on your way to a nearby café. he didn't seem to remember to get it off the kitchen counter.
" what brings you here, mrs. kim? " his secretary wears a warm smile, although she's perplexed as to why you've shown up to his cabin with his lunch, which he's supposed to be having right now.
" he left his lunch at home... i don't want him skipping meals again," you muttered, confusing the elder woman even more.
her silence makes you nervous, and you wish he would just walk out of his cabin, take your hands in his and look you in the eyes with that beautiful smile of his.
" dearie, he's home today, remember? he called you last evening and said the same thing, " she looks at you with concern.
where is " home " ?, because he definitely isn't at the one you two share.
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💍❤ :
i'm at the turn, be home in 10, i missed you 💞
oh did you now
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" my beautiful baby, you're perfect the way you are.. your mind's just playing tricks on you and I need you to stay strong and not listen to it..." he kisses your forehead before resting his own against yours,
" you're so strong, you know that... " he kisses your cheek one more time before leaving for work.
you wished he meant what he said.
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a hideous shade of red... you've never owned a lipstick of that shade, who was it then?
he must have assumed the hickey on his sharp collarbone went unnoticed by you, was it possible when you were someone who noticed every minute detail all the time?
were you such a wreck that he needed another woman to make him feel better?
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your head on his chest, his hands carefully snaked around your waist, cuddled up in fluffy covers, him talking about his day, his honey-like voice making you feel as if you've arrived at the gates of heaven.
perfect image that a lovesick person would have of a happily wedded couple
it would have been great for you, too, until all the pieces fell into place in your head when his phone rang and the Caller ID was someone you didn't expect; ' the one ❤ '
you were most emphatically not the one.
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your mind may deceive you, but your eyes cannot.
you stood there, watching the way he smiles at her, the way his hands locked around her waist, just like they would around yours, the way he leans in to kiss her so passionately. until it all hits you... like a rock in the head, but instead of wanting to break down immediately, you feel a spark of relief kindle within of you.
you knew you wouldn't have to feel that crippled and vulnerable anymore. you wouldn't need to pretend to be perfect anymore.
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——
you let too many things slide, you were weak, so in love and so in need of his love that you were ready to let all the wrong things he was doing go unnoticed by yourself. you struggled, a lot. he was the one who brought you out of that terrible dark place, the one who loved you and taught you to love...
and now he'd found someone else to give all his love to
maybe it was time to let go... to let go of that stinging pain in your chest that you'd get every time you'd see him, to let go of the fear of never being good enough, to let go of your husband who knew very well how to trap you with his oh-so-loving demeanor, to let go of the feeling of being a burden, to let go of the man you loved.
to let go of everything about him, so that you could find and love yourself again.
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ima go back to my corner to continue sobbing
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