In My Blood

Five - Hold On

Hey, I'm free for a bit. 

Want to call?

Yeah

Phone ringing, Shawn picked up, sitting on the couch, and pretending nothing had happened.

"Hi!" Camila said, her voice a welcome noise after the endless silence Shawn knew he couldn't break.

"Hey."

"You sound... tired. Did you get enough sleep?"

"Yeah."

"Very believable."

"I fell asleep before 10:30," Shawn protested. He could almost hear Camila narrowing her eyes.

"I might be coming back late June or early August. Before your birthday for sure."

"You realize my birthday is early August, right?"

"I know, but that gives me like, 7 days in August."

"Okay, sure."

"You know I love your voice, right?" She asked suddenly.

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"It means I'm falling in love with you all over again."

"Are you?"

"Yup! But when I do come back, I'll need to go to L.A. again to watch the premier. You come too!"

"I've got songs to release."

"You can do that in L.A."

"I guess. I'm working on a song with Justin."

"As in your best friend?"

"Yeah."

"You have too many celebrity friends."

"I'm a celebrity too. And you."

"I know." 

"So are you filming?"

"In a little bit. Right now it's Nicholas' turn."

"Oh, right, your Prince Charming."

"Hey, you're my real knight in shining armor."

"Why, thank you."

"Gotta go."

"Love you."

"See you later, Shawn. Sleep in." She hung up.

He sighed. The condo was too quiet again. He picked his phone back up again. 

Can we rearrange for tomorrow?

Justin responded almost right away

ofc

see you soon then

He leaned backwards. That left the impossible task of figuring out what to do until then. Without having a complete mental break down, preferably. 

He walked back into his bedroom, picking up The Prisoner of Azkaban. The words seemed jumbled in front of his eyes. He couldn't even pay attention to his favourite book. He walked back into the kitchen, feeling like a stranger in his own home.

Pulling out a packet of pasta, he took out a pot and filled it with water, setting it on the stove to boil. If he was just going to wander around the house, he might as well make lunch. And it was one of the things he liked doing. So that was a plus. 

Pulling out a stick of kolbassa, he sliced open the packaging with a sharp knife, the packaging slippery between his fingers. 

"I love it when you just don't care, I love it when you dance like there's nobody there,"

"So when it gets hard don't be afraid, we don't care what them people say."

"I love it when you don't take no, I love it when you do what you want 'cause you just said so,"

"Let them all go home we out late, we don't care what them people say."

He continued to slice the kolbassa, glancing at the boiling water every so often. "We don't have to be ordinary, make your best mistakes."

"We don't have the time to be sorry, I'm telling you, baby be the life of the party."

Grabbing the can opener, he opened the cream sauce, pouring some out into a pot, and placing it on the stove. He turned on the fan, throwing a towel over his shoulder, and wiping his hands on the rough dish towel. He sat back and watched, snipping open the pasta package, and dumping a quarter of it into the boiling water. 

Taping the package back up, he continued to sing, breaking the endless silence with random songs that popped up in his head. "Land in Miami, the air was hot from summer rain, sweat dripping off me, before I even knew her name la la la. It felt like ooh la la la, yeah, ohhohh."

"Do you got plans tonight? I'm a couple hundred miles from Japan and I, I was hoping I could fly to your hotel tonight. 'Cause I_I can't get you off my mind, can't get you off my mind."

Anything to keep himself from falling apart. 

"I found a love... for me. Darling just dive right in. Follow my lead. I found a girl, beautiful and sweet. I never knew you were the someone waiting for me."

Turning off the stove, Shawn spooned pasta into his perfectly white bowl, as well as cream sauce and kolbassa slices, placing it behind him on the counter, and hanging his towel back on the hook. 

He smoothed his hair out of his eyes, rubbing the back of his neck, before grabbing a seat at the island. Again the large condo seemed to big for just him. He wished he lived with someone. Phone at hand, he turned on the radio, CHUM1045, and listened as they played songs- that weren't his, for a change. 

Not really tasting the pasta, Shawn cleaned up, mixing together the pasta, sauce and kolbassa, and sticking the container in the fridge. 

A small burning was tugging at his chest, his heart, but he ignored it, turning off the radio, pulling his guitar, and strumming a few chords. His calloused fingers expertly dancing across the strings, he gently played until he felt like he wouldn't slip into the chaos of a panic attack. He guessed it was a panic attack, anyway. It was probably the best explanation. Not that he knew very much about panic attacks. He let out a heavy sigh.

He continued to play, even when his fingers burned, because holding a guitar felt so... right, that it was his happy place in the darkest corners of the world. And he had so many. Which a countless amount of people had laughed at. And the Harry Potter wand collection on his bedroom wall. And his obsessions with anything.

He knew that he wouldn't have the strength to cook that night, and he couldn't even imagine trying to sleep, but he attempted one problem at a time, and ordered fried rice to eat for dinner. He was already dreading having to try and fall asleep. He didn't want to bother Camila any more than he had to. But he knew that he had to hang on till then. And pray that the world was on his side (though it probably wasn't).

A/N: Not putting up any videos for this chapter, but if you'd like, (in order) the songs are Life of the Party, Señorita, Lost in Japan, and Perfect(Ed Sheeran).