(Completely clean story, a tiny bit of fluff) Some people just aren't meant for this type of life. A life where everyone knows your name. A life where you sing in front of millions. Where you inspire billions. It seems as if Shawn Mendes was built i...
He actually tasted the rice, for the first time in a while. Surprised and grateful, Shawn was a lot happier when he brushed his teeth and pulled on a plain white t-shirt and black pants. He had a hopeful feeling when he sat in front of the tv, turning it on the The Food Network.
He watched for a bit, eating a peach, the juices threatening to dribble down his chin. But he wiped it away, like he would wipe away all his fears. Like he had to wipe away all his fears before they set, like engravings in cement.
He pulled out his journal.
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He felt lost, empty, but he just read a book without really processing what he was reading, checked his emails, texts, and social media pages, and played a quick piano warm-up.
Something stirred inside him when all the lights were off, but he knew he wasn't afraid of the dark. Turning on the bedside light, he pushed the clock over so he couldn't read it, and sat down, similar to the night before, and opened up Instagram.
Smiling gently at some of the things people had posted on his page, he detangled his hair with his free hand, continuing to scroll through his page.
He glanced at the clock, before remembering it was on it's face, and checked his phone's time. 10:17. He turned off his phone, placing it on his bedside table, and laying down, the gentle light from the lamp beside him casting a warm glow across the room, lighting up his face.
He turned off the light, casting the room in absolute darkness. It was almost suffocating, but he fought through it.
There seemed to be weights pulling him down, underwater. Choking him, taking away the priceless air that his body needed.
His body was slick with sweat mixed with tears, and he moved restlessly, as though if he lied still, he might sink. But he was already sinking. So far the water had turned navy. Almost black.
Maybe if he closed his eyes it would all go away. But maybe if he closed his eyes the monsters would take shape. The darkness would curl into smoky beasts that ravaged around in his mind and widened the hole in his chest. If he could only run away... but there was nowhere to go. He continued to toss and turn. So many terrible thoughts clouded his vision, so many terrible thoughts restrained him at the same time making him thrash around. He was in a nightmare he couldn't wake up from. He was already awake.
But the scariest thing... no one understood him. He wanted to tell the people he loved how there was this pain pressing down on his shoulders, but no matter how many times he tried, it always came out wrong, and he knew they'd never know. He could never tell them about this rising darkness, couldn't let them know that there was a dagger in his heart. It was locked deep inside him. Somewhere no one could reach, no matter how close and dear they were to his heart.
His parents' praise meant so much, but that little burst of pride couldn't pair with the hollow feeling when his parents' voice leaked with disappointment. Even if it was a half mark on his report card that got him going from a B- to a C+. Even if it was just that he'd been having a bad day, and it showed through on his participation mark. The tiniest things, their disappointment... it was so strong. Anyone's disappointment. They didn't even have to yell to make things so much worse. His breathing came out in short, rapid, panicked breaths, his hands shook, his eyes stung with tears.
No matter how many times he convinced his friends he was fine, he... never would be. He knew that. He knew saying 'I'm okay' wasn't something he could say truthfully anymore. It scared him to think that something so simple could scare him so much. Saying 'I'm okay' should be easy. But it wasn't, and it dragged him down. All anyone would be able to do is scratch the surface. Maybe see him for the broken guy he was under all the songs and interviews that went well. He was too gone for it anyway. Too far buried he couldn't see the light. Too deep for anyone to save him. Too far for anyone to reach him. The three words that made his chest feel burdened. I don't matter. And that was the scariest thought he could possibly think.
