The Beautiful Ones

Chapter 8: bye bye brother, bye bye lover

The drive was silent save for the low music coming from the radio, Barton hollow was on and under other circumstances I would be singing along to one of my favourite songs but today I just wanted to morn my brother.

I stared out the window looking but not seeing. I was so far out that I hadn't noticed we were already at my house until Micah put his hand on my shoulder starting me out of my dazed state.

I looked toward the house I called home, but somehow it didn't seem like home anymore, it didn't look the same though I knew for a fact nothing had changed about it. Except that now Nicky wasn't coming home again.

I muttered a thanks for the ride and got out. But before I could move away Micah had already gotten out of the car and came to my side holding me tightly by my shoulders, "hey! I know you're hurt and upset and lost right now but don't shut the world out Emily! You're not the only one who lost someone dear to them today okay!" I was stunned and honestly a bit scared by his sudden outburst. I was trembling, and I didn't know if I actually was or if the shaking of his hands was reverberating through me. Something in my eyes must have alerted him to the fact that he was scaring me. He loosened his hands but didn't let go, took in a deep breath and closed his eyes for a moment and when he opened them again he spoke more softly this time. "I'm sorry for losing my temper, it's just that I..." He sighed and shook his head,"just forget it I'm sorry it's just been stressful on all of us and you know I loved Nicky too."
I looked at him closely I noticed he had bags under his eyes like he hands slept in ages. He looked tired and...sad.
His eyes flashed a mix of emotions half of which I couldn't figure out but the most prominent was sadness. I stepped into his chest and I hugged him, burying my face in his suit jacket.
I felt overwhelmed by the safety and warmth of his embrace that to my ever lasting humiliation I burst into tears again. "I need him! I can't...I just..I.." I knew I made no sense at all, but still Micah just hugged me tighter not offering the usual "it's gonna be okay" or anything of the sort which I was thankful for because we knew that no everything was not gonna be okay at least not for a while.

He picked me up and took me in round the back entrance, taking the back stairs to get to my room, once there he laid me on the bed and pulled the covers over me after removing my shoes. He planted a kiss on my forehead and turned to leave but I grabbed his hand only managing to catch his fingers which was enough for him to turn and face me.
"Please I don't wanna be alone tonight. Please stay." My voice came out as a whisper that I almost feared he wouldn't hear my plea.
He frowned and rubbed the back of his neck, "Emmy I'm not so sure that's a great idea." The look on his face said exactly what his mouth didn't. He didn't want me to get the wrong idea as in I was in love with him and he thought id take him staying the night with me as something more than it was and I felt furiously angry at his assumption. I instantly let go of his hand as if I'd been burned. And mustered all the strength I had and spoke,"My brother just died and I just needed you as a friend! I know I said I'm in love with you but that was not even on my mind when I asked you to stay! So you know what just leave me alone and get the hell out of here!" The vehemence in my voice shocked me but I kept my composure. I turned away from him and slid deeper into the comfort of my blankets. A few seconds later the bed dipped and strong arms bound around me like a steel cage and he pulled me almost roughly back into his chest, almost.
His breath trickled my ear as he leaned in and whispered, "I'm sorry angel. I didn't mean it I swear, I just love you too much to lose you too. You'll always be my angel."
I felt moisture on my cheek and I turned to see Micah silently shedding tears. I wiped them away and cupped his cheeks,"you'll never lose me Micky. No matter what you'll never lose me."
I understood then the toll my confession had taken on him; he thought that if I was in love with him and I realised he didn't reciprocate those feelings then I'd go running for the hills and abandon our friendship. And then I felt guilty; if I had sucked it up like probably everyone else in this world that suffer from one sided love stories then I wouldn't have hurt him and I wouldn't have made him feel scared about losing a friend, and I wouldn't have had to see him cry for the first time since I've known him.
He hugged me close and to my delight he sang to me. Yes ladies and gentlemen Micah sang to me after having not done so in about four years. And his voice was like silk!
"Ain't no sunshine when she's gone.
Ain't no sunshine when she's gone and she's always gone too long..." By the time he reached that part I was steady loosing consciousness.

(The next morning)

I awoke to an insistent, annoying sound that I recognised as Micah's God awful ringtone. I peeled my eyes open to see if he was gonna shut it off but he was sound asleep so I reached across him to shut it off, only when I looked at the screen and saw a picture of a beautiful blond and the word (babe) flashed on the screen my plan rerouted and instead of turning it off I answered and put the phone to my ear listening.
"Hi baby I've been trying to call you since yesterday, why haven't you picked up ??"
Baby. She called him baby. It was obvious she was his girlfriend. He had a girlfriend he never told me about. Had he told Nicky??
Nicky. At the thought of him everything from yesterday came rushing back to me. The burial. The funeral. The casket.
"Baby are you there? Hello?"
Before I could think I opened my big mouth and answered, "sorry Micah can't come to the phone right now."
There was silence on the other end for a while and then "babe" spoke again only this time her voice wasn't dripping of sweetness, it was angry, "who the hell are you? And where is Micah?"
Just then Micah stirred and opened his eyes, and before I said something I regretted and thrust the phone at him, "Here it's yours."
"What the..." He looked down and saw the name on the screen and looked back at me with an apologetic look, shook his head as I got out of bed, but he didn't move to stop me instead he answered his phone, "Hey Amber."
So "babe" did have a name. Amber. I hate it!
I went into the en suite and locked the door.
I did my morning rituals and when Micah knocked at the door I opened the shower to full blast so he'd think I was having a shower.
I slid down onto the floor and just thought about everything that's been happening.
My brother was gone and he was the only family I had.
My mum and dad don't really care about me. They'll probably move to some tropical island in a few months and send me monthly allowances and call every once in a while and act all sweet and lovely and ask me how I'm doing.
Micah was going to go back to school a thousand miles away and we already barely spoke to each other, God knows what will happen now that I've confessed my undying love to him. Even after last nights emotional tirade I knew things were gonna be different.
And then it hit me straight in the gut. This was all my fault. I'm in this mess because of me, because I'm a screw up.

My head started to throb and I decided I've been left alone with my thoughts for too long so I finally got in the shower and got out about 15 minutes later. I wrapped a towel around my self and one around my head in a makeshift turbine.
When I walked out I didn't expect to find Micah standing next to the bathroom door.
He pushed off the wall just as I made to walk past him, "Angel we need to talk." He spoke softly and slowly as if he was afraid of my reaction and I decided then and there that I wouldn't give him the satisfaction of me blowing up and going hysterical instead I pasted on what I was sure the world's most fake smile and turned to face him,"No we really don't have anything to talk about. I think we cleared the air last night and there's nothing more to be said so if you'll excuse me id like to get dressed now."
He was momentarily stunned by my reaction but recovered fast and frowned,"Angel.." But I cut him off, "Oh and it's probably be best if you stopped calling me angel; we're not kids anymore and I'm afraid it might send the wrong image to your girlfriend." I shrugged out of his hold and turned to walk to the dresser when his next words froze me, "she's my fiancé." His words were quiet and steady, no hint of emotion was evident.

If I was to be asked about the top most painful moments in my life I'd tell you number one was losing my brother and number two would be this exact moment. I turned slowly towards him and rid my face of all emotion and spoke confidently, "congratulations then, I hope you're both very happy."
I think we were both surprised and stunned by my reaction while he clearly expected some sort of out burst, I expected my self to break out in a hysterically sobbing mess.
"Now if you'll please leave I would like to get dressed." I turned and rummaged through my closet picking out something to wear, after a few seconds I heard the door open but before it closed he spoke one last time, "and just so you know you'll always be my angel. Always!"
I held it together until the door shut and then I lost it.
I cried and then my lungs started to burn and I couldn't breath and I recognised what was happening to me. A panic attack. The second one. It felt like I was suffocating and dying and I panicked even more. But then I tried to to remember what Nicky told me when I had my first attack on his bathroom floor. "Breath baby girl, just breath."
"Listen to my voice baby girl, you're okay I'm right here."
I took in short breaths through my nose and let them out through my mouth until I felt the pain in my chest recede. I stayed on the floor until the last year ran from my eye.
I felt numb and broken and alone.
I just lost everything.