The Beautiful Ones

Chapter 9: The day after

I didn't mean to. That's all I could think of last night when after I had been drained both mentally and physically, I decided to have another shower.
I felt both numbness and pain at the same time. Silly I know because logically you can't feel both at the same time. But I did.
I wanted it to all go away. And that's when I saw my razor blade sitting there.
I picked up without even thinking and I pressed it to the inside of my wrist. I kept pressing it down until a thin line of blood came leaking out.
I dragged it about half an inch more and the burning pain from the cut was a welcomed distraction from the pain in my heart.
It took me a while to register what I had just done. And when it did, I dropped the blade horrified with myself. I didn't mean to. I washed it under the water and got gauze and bandages from the first aid kit I kept under the vanity and wrapped the cut.
I got out and dressed and jumped right into bed falling into a coma like sleep.

Now I was sitting on the front porch just staring out at the street. I rocked the porch swig gently back and forth.
It felt like I've been sitting here forever.
It was so quiet and peaceful. Until a black escalade truck parked in front of the house. Micah.

He got down from the car and walked up the path, and came to sit next to me staring ahead and not saying anything.
After about five minutes he spoke up,"I came to say goodbye."
Out of all the things I expected this wasn't one of them,"you're leaving? So soon?"
"My break is over and I need to get back to school. My flight leaves in three hours and I didn't want to leave without seeing you."
I didn't know what to say so I just stayed silent.
His hand cover mine and moved my head to look at him. He looked tired and run down as if he carried the weight of the world on his shoulders.
"Emmy I'm sorry about everything."
His gravely voice cracked a bit but the tears never came. I knew he meant he was sorry about Nicky and about my one sided love and about his fiancé and him leaving and everything else.
I leaned my head on his shoulder and closed my eyes,"I know Mick, I know."
This time the silence that blanketed us wasn't awkward yet not at all pleasant.
I knew he would have to leave soon but there was one question I needed to ask him before he left, "Micah why didn't you tell me you got engaged?"
He stiffened next to me and took in a deep breath heaving it out in a sigh.
"I don't know Emmy." I watched him as he answered me, looking for the tell that would confirm he was lying. And sure enough he rubbed his earlobe and looked away. He always did that when he lied.
"You're lying." I knew my voice held no admonishment, it was actually soft with disappointment and hurt that he would yet again lie to me and not trust me enough to tell me the truth.
He frowned and went to deny it but I shook my head for him not to. Unshed tears burned my eyes but I refused to cry anymore. I got up and he got up as soon as I did.
I turned to face him with a smile on my face," you should get going or you're gonna miss your flight. Thank you for everything and appreciate you coming by to say goodbye. Have a safe flight and call me when you land okay. Oh and good luck with school."
I made to move past him but he stopped me and before I knew it I was hauled into his arms in a bone crushing hug. I hugged him back as tightly as I could, all the time with a nagging sensation that this might be the last time I get to hug him and I don't know why.
"You take care of yourself angel. And you call me if you need anything... I love you angel."
It killed me to know that he didn't mean those words in the way that I wanted him to.
"I love you Micah." I whispered.
We stayed in each other's embrace for a few more minutes and then when he let me go I smiled at him and moved passed him to go into the house when once again he spoke,"you'll always be my angel."
I had no reply and I knew he expected none so I walked into the house and watched him leave through the window.

*******
Micah never called. Not when he landed. Not after a couple of days or weeks.
When I tried to call I always went straight to voice mail. And after three weeks of trying to get in touch with him, the message finally sank in. He doesn't want anything to do with you, you stupid girl. I thought to myself, how really stupid I must be.

The scars started of multiply but not on my wrist; i didn't want people to see my wounds. They took residence on the inside of my thighs and sometimes on the outside.
I had lost a considerable amount of weight due to my lack to eating.
My parents quickly pulled out of the grief of losing their son and picked up the pieces of themselves and got back to their routines. I went back to school and just faded into the background.

I was falling into a state of depression and self loathing. I hated myself and my life. I hated that I was such a screw up. That id lost everyone I cared about.
I was on my own now. And I didn't know how long I would stay that way.