Emergency Medical Dad

XLI: present, july

this one is long as hell whoops (c4750 words if you wanted to know)

JORGEN, PRESENT

The car ride home early in the morning starts off slow and quiet, just weaving around back roads, early morning talk radio boring us half to death in the silence. I don't think we shared that many words at all this morning, just stood next to each other while brushing our teeth and shared breakfast across the same table, both sharing the same thoughts, the same memory of last night.

I was asleep, asleep most of the way, when she shifted the slightest fraction of an inch against me and roused me, half confused, half worried. I knew she hadn't fallen asleep yet, I knew she was staring at my hand and had been when I dozed off, I just didn't realize she was still awake when I woke up until she shifted again, taking a deep breath in and a deep breath out. So I checked in and before I knew it I was buried in a kiss I didn't realize I wanted.

We fell asleep again after a half hour or so of calming down, then woke up almost in the same exact position, curled up around each other, stiff and sore with puffy eyes and dry mouths.

And then there we were, getting on the highway back to Chicago, words burning in our throats.

"I'm sorry," she eventually mumbles, just loud enough for me to hear. "About last night, I mean. I shouldn't have kissed you. I... should've made what I said afterward more clear as well."

"It's alright," I shift my leg, letting the car fall into a steady cruise, controlling its own speed. "I wanted that part too, and I wasn't clear either."

"You know what I meant, though, right?" She asks, eyes drifting over to me. "That everything is too fragile to do anything like that. That if we mess it up going further it's going to make things worse for Connor, all of that?"

I nod, "I get where you're coming from and I know where I am about it."

"Where are you?"

I puff out my cheeks, shifting lanes one to the left, "it's iffy where I'll be come September, if I'm still in the city we'll still be in with my parents because we don't have anywhere near the money, if I'm out of it you'll have more mobility because I'm making more money but less at the same time because I'm not there for extra help. If we get further involved with each other our relationship loses some stability due to the extra things we're putting on the line, the loss of stability could mean it goes sideways and that could throw you into an awful spot despite the fact that I know at least I would be completely willing to stay involved even if something between us didn't work out. Plus, it would probably confuse Connor and make that harder on him. At this point all my energy is going into making sure we keep him stable and in his comfort zone, he's a very very important and very fragile pulling point in all of this. Anything extra we make him go through runs the chance of triggering some of my mental illness in him. A lot of what I have I think is genetic, which means he's got the ingredients and all it would take is someone putting him through something that puts those together. Anxiety, all of the building blocks for OCD, all of the building blocks for a lot of things. I don't want to risk that. I never want to risk that."

She nods.

"We'd be risking too much, putting too much on the line, there's a lot here, a lot we'll have to deal with, but... but I think we should give it more time. Wait until there's less stress on us, less chances for something to blow one of us over the edge."

"I agree."

And then it's quiet small talk all the way back to Chicago.

***