The stag hunt with the scarlet heart

Chapter 11 "I've fought against that painful character"

The path doesn't seem to belong to me, I'll walk alone. We all walk alone sometimes. Sometimes we feel like we are all alone in the world...other times we know we are. How right Bukowski was. I keep looking at my choices, and yet I want to look away.

I promised myself that I would go away for five days, understand that life is lonely, and end this pain; this thought that I would find in him a part of Atlas that I'd lost, a part that, however small, would bring back into my life what I'd lost. Ryan asked me if I could, and I thought I could. But I kept looking around, and when he didn't notice, I was looking at him, looking for him. Him.

Atlas.

With him, all my demons began and ended. He greeted me like an old friend. When I was at home my demons were a beast hidden between words, at night I waited for him in dreams that became nightmares like a monster that came for my body and soul.

When I opened my eyes I was confronted with a reality where my body ached, my muscles screamed, and my head was pounding with thoughts. I knew from the beginning that this was not going to be a good day; today was going to be one of those days. And so it was, how I made it through the fog and got my work done and then ended up at this meeting is an accomplishment in itself.

As he had been doing for the last few days, no matter what they were talking about or what he was doing, when he was in the same room, I looked at him. And now he was smiling, days ago I was looking for his smile, like a junkie looking for his last fix, only to be disappointed, it wasn't Atlas's smile, it was Callum's smile, and my brain didn't like that. But he showed his white teeth because the idea he had been given was a good one, and he makes that sound between a growl and a hiss when ideas are bad, or something seems out of place.

I watched him walk back and forth as Thomas explained the new structure of the magazine and the improvements to the website, nodding as he listened and moving on as if he couldn't sit still for a minute.

"The website needs some changes, I reviewed it this morning, and I want to restructure it by sections, it has the same sequences as you review it. We are in an era where the physical doesn't sell much. People are looking for things at their fingertips." He holds up his phone for all of us to see. "We have to get people interested in the magazine because there are things they can't get on their phones."

"We can ask some of our writers to write articles." I suggest, thinking about it, that this is something that's been done for years. "The audience can say what topics they prefer to read and by which author."

"It is a good idea, it would serve as publicity. Not only for them but for the books, people want to know more about the authors' private lives, if we are the first to publish it, people will buy it."

I can see how he's processing this, he's looking at me while I'm talking, but not in a fixed way, I wouldn't know how to explain it, it's like he doesn't want to look at me more than necessary, and he doesn't want to talk to me more than necessary, as he's been doing throughout the meeting, for the last several days, just as I told him to do.

"Everybody's free to go." The blond says. I stand up. "Saffron stay."

It's not even a question, just an order, I stand at the edge of the meeting table and wait for everyone to leave, I wait for him to answer some questions for Cindy, I move the toe of my heel along my calf as Jason asks me a few questions about Christine's book.

"Can you talk to Christine about setting up an interview with her," Callum asks when we're alone, looking at me for more seconds than he's allowed himself all day. "I could do it myself if it would be a bother, but since you are her editor. I thought it would be more appropriate for you to do it."