The stag hunt with the scarlet heart

Chapter 14 "I'm a prisoner borrowing breath"

My existence was fatigue for years in my youth, I have grown old, and I mean really old, with mind and maturity filled with a weariness that doesn't seem to belong to me, but that I carry on my back anyway, I wonder how many years it will take me of vomiting up all the filth I'd been taught about myself, and half-believed, before I was able to walk on this earth as though I had a right to be here, James Baldwin took many years, I wonder will it really be like that for me.

I've lived with it for seven years, building walls to hide everything I carry inside, but it's no longer useful, seven years ago I was locked in a tower three demons were my jailers, without the possibility of the prince rescuing me, the key was thrown into the sea, seeing everything only from above, living halfway and breathing air that doesn't belong to me. The air that doesn't fill my lungs, knowing it was my fault and I deserved this. His pain was my fault.

I left the building, forgetting my work, needing a break, and getting away from everyone. I left before Callum because I could feel the shame on my face, what could I say? How could I justify my reaction without telling the truth? My attitude was nothing more than that of a frightened child, and I guess feeling so much in a short period of time weakens you.

I got home, washed the dirt and heaviness out of me, but my sternum was full of bricks, so I had no choice but to keep self-flagellating.

Dear Jesus,

My mother used to warn everyone not to be fooled by my sweet face, because according to her, I was a whirlwind who only caused trouble. Was it too much to expect to be loved as all children deserve? I begged for love, angry because I felt misunderstood. The feeling of exhaustion grew inside me as she presented me as more of a burden than my name said. Everyone interpreted my heavy makeup and hair covering my bruises as part of the hell I was, and instead of protecting me, she pushed me away and silenced my voice, causing me deep shame.

And when I cried for the things I couldn't get, instead of comforting me, she blamed me and branded me lazy.

But Atlas, he comes looking for me every morning, I think things are changing, with him everything seems to change quickly, but there is a veil, his truths and lies, and I want to know them all. For years, I begged him to tell me what happened to his parents, everyone in town tells the story about how his father killed his mother or car accidents, he just told me not to believe it, that when he was ready he would tell me.

We were on the train tracks, walking along the tracks, he had his hand in mine as he stared into nothingness thoughtfully. I stopped and looked at him.

"Tell me what happened with your parents." He didn't even try to refuse, the look he gave me, was a mixture of pain and sadness.

"If I tell you, you have to promise not to feel pity for me, ok?" I could only nod, letting myself go as he walked on. He told me that his mom every night sat down to read with cookies and milk that he loved to go out in the yard with her, to hear her laugh, he showed me a mark on his arm because he fell from a tree trying to impress her. "I thought if I was good enough I could be all she needed, that my father's absence wouldn't hurt her so much, but it was never enough, and she got tired of waiting for him." I didn't notice the tears on my cheeks until he ran his thumb across my cheeks and wiped it away. "I found her body in her room, the sheets full of blood. My father had an accident on the day of her funeral. The day your mom... gave you those bruises, my aunt, and uncle gave me my parents' suicide letters."

I could only hug him, what would you say to a person who had been through all that? His heart had been broken many times for mine, and now my heart for his seemed fair enough.

"I wish you wouldn't look at me like that, Bucky." He looked down at me from above, coming even closer, his breath too hot on my skin.

"Like what?" I was so nervous.