When you're broken, lost and got nothing left to lose... you become bulletproof.
Trying to fix your life back together after having it shaken upside down isn't easy. Getting used to normal when you feel like an outcast in your own skin, isn't easy...
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Song: Nightmare - Halsey
........................................
M A R C H
Again. A-fucking-gain.
I didn't know why was I even surprised anymore. Last month my parents did show up at our accorded dinner, made the proper polite questions to check I was keeping up all good and then spend the rest of the dinner on their phone.
I knew they were busy people, I wasn't stupid, nor childish. But couldn't they give me and hour per month? Some kind of attention, of interest...
And today they didn't even show up. I needed to tell them the results and they didn't show up.
Pain was creeping in my guts, rotting me from inside and making me see black.
Black and red and white and I tilted my head back, downing the burning liquor and barely feeling the arm wrapped across my middle back his hand resting way too sour for it to be casual but I couldn't even care anymore.
Coldness bit into my palms, barely leaving me to feel something real when I slammed the shot down and the bar spun around us, bending. The music stretching and shifting like a piece of gum. As if I could reach out and touch it as it flew around us but if I let go of the bar I would probably stumble.
The guy next to me wasn't much better, brushing the curtain of hair off the side of my face and over my shoulder and I felt the light pressure of his mouth against my earlobe. Cold, like the drink he was having. Like the surface under my palms. Like my soul.
"Wanna go somewhere else?" he whispered and I shook my head, the void in my chest still to freaking obvious.
I'm not nearly half as drunk as I planned to be. "Are you buying me more shots?"
He didn't look that pleased with this, as if getting frustrated. Well, I never told him I would actually leave with him; he just offered to bough me a drink and I just didn't complain.
Soon enough, I would be numb enough to be able to look for someone. Right now I need to numb this pain. I knew from past experiences that one night affairs were good for my self esteem and physical release; but I also knew pity sex didn't work that well, so I need to numb it all first. That was my motto.
"Alright." he moved to get the waiter's attention as I downed what was left of my previous cocktail.
The phone beeped in my pocket and I knew who that was before even unlocking the screen with uncoordinated fingers.
