Blazing Forward

Chapter 20

I made sure we all spent one on one time with Jojo because I don't want her to feel left out at all. She's my first baby, 7 years old now, and such an amazing big sister. She'll go into the nursery and read to Ian at night because if she doesn't, who will mom? She's always near the playpen so that Ian doesn't feel lonely without his brother. One of my favorite moments ever was Jojo arguing with her grandfather, she said he wasn't holding Ian the right way and she had to fix it. It was hilarious.

Our first week at home was stressful but so beautiful. Le and I mastered the art of holding 2 tiny babies at once, while I had to learn to breastfeed 2 babies at once. My husband is as helpful as he can possibly be but my mom and Patricia are the only reason I haven't gone absolutely insane. Okay, even with their help I feel like I'm going insane, especially with the sleep deprivation. Both boys sleep for about 2 hours each and we're lucky if it's at the same time.

My friends who are parents told me about it, I mostly spoke to Brie, but nothing can really prepare you for postpartum stress and anxiety. Everything scares me, everything worries me, the lack of sleep isn't helping either. I'm trying to be as present as I can but my mind wanders, my thoughts fly to how am I supposed to do this alone. Le's gonna go back to work, mami is gonna go back home, and Patricia is gonna go back home. The anxiety is real.

"Anna!" my mom called out from my room.

"What's left for her to reorganize? She's gone through everything already." I complained, making my husband and sisters laugh.

"But for real though, I got lost in my closet because I couldn't find my stuff where I left it." Le said, making my sisters laugh harder.

"That's mami." Cassie said.

"Dude, what if she goes through your underwear drawer? For either of you?" Mel added.

"Nah." Le and I chorused.

"Anna!"

"Babe?" Le asked.

"She wouldn't ..." I muttered, fear finally entering the conversation.

"Anna!"

"Oh shit." I exclaimed.

"Give me the baby, that's one less person to traumatize." Le worriedly stated.

"Why? What's in there?" Cassie asked.

"Yeah, what's in your underwear drawer?" Mel asked, wiggling her eyebrows behind Cassie.

"That's none of your business, I'll be back." I said, handing my son to my husband.

I can hear things moving in my room and it's scaring me.

"Mami ... what are you doing?" I asked when I walked into my bedroom.

The top of my dresser and Le's dresser, both night stands, and the baby's changer have been reorganized. I love my mom, but I'm gonna have to learn my way around my own house again after she leaves. It's that latina mother for you, for sure.

"Mija, this room was a mess." she said as she fold a shirt. (my girl)

"It was not." I sighed, this is bringing me back to my teenage years all over again.

"That's not why I called you." she said.

"What's wrong?"

"You."

"Mami, de que tu hablas? I'm fine." (what are you talking about)

"Mija, I know that you're a new mom and you want to be super hands on and present and do it all, but you need to rest." she said.