Drarry - It Was All Just a Game (REWRITE - MATURE VERSION)

CHAPTER 53 - HARRY'S FRIENDS

TW: PTSD, panic attack, mentions of suicide, though no attempts or graphic depictions. Please be careful what you comment. You might not deal with these issues, but someone who does will see what you say. We're here to lift each other up, not down.

There was a time in my life when I didn't know what anxiety, depression, or suicidal idealization felt like and I pretended I knew. I told people with anxiety just to take a breath. I told people with depression just to smile because I experienced nervousness and sadness, not anxiety and depression.

I had a circumstance where I learned what these disorders actually feel like. I am more empathetic because of that experience and am able to write about what I personally felt (what others feel may be different from me), but I would never want for anyone to ever feel that way. Mental distress and disordered thinking/eating is probably the hardest thing I've ever experienced.

I'm better now, but I also understand people who have never experienced it. There is no feeling like it, and anything you do to try to pretend you know how someone else feels with a mental illness is child's play to the actual thing. Nervousness is nothing compared to anxiety. Having a tough day and wanting a pause is nothing like having suicidal thoughts. Not wanting to eat every once in a while or over eating every once in a while is nothing compared to having an eating disorder.

If you haven't experienced any of those things, be thankful that you haven't and empathetic to those who have. You truly do not want to deal with it, but if you do, know that you're stronger than them, there are treatments out there for you, and there is a reason for you being here. There are better days ahead.

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They both walked up to the castle in their invisibility cloak before sunrise, after all the guards had left and their only worry lay with beasts from the forest attacking them. They ended up safely in Grimmuald Place, Harry having to shower for another round.

"Just two more days." Draco kissed Harry goodbye, knowing the worst was to come. Thursday was Lupin and Tonks' funeral, and Friday, Fred's.

"Are you sure that you don't want me to come?"

"Fuck no. I'm sorry. No. Stay safe here."

"Okay, be safe."

When Harry came home on Thursday, he only said two words when he got home. "Start packing."

Draco took note of the baby's sock in his dress shirt lapel's pocket. Teddy's little sock.

Harry went to bed early, only eating a few bites of a soup Draco reheated for him, but he didn't do anything but stare at the ceiling, thinking of the day ahead.

Draco lay next to him, and held his hand, but he knew it brought little comfort. Them being together couldn't cure this pain. It couldn't even touch it. Draco knew that.

And Harry tried to sleep, but he couldn't. The world wasn't kind enough for him to be able to sleep.

Instead, his mind raced, thinking more thoughts than he could keep up with. Your fault. They're dead because of your war. Draco's lying.

It was past midnight when he had his panic attack. He could feel it coming in his arms and legs before his chest tightened. He climbed out of bed and went downstairs, his eyes watering before two hands reached inside his lungs and squeezed them as he tried to breathe. But he couldn't, not with all the walls crashing in on him, not with the pure sickness that curled around his stomach.

"Hey love, it's okay," Draco came up behind him. "You're okay." Fuck, he didn't want Draco down here either. He didn't want anyone around him. He just wanted to sit alone in his misery. "It'll pass."