the most brilliant darkness;; jwy, csan

04

you don't talk about that night with san, not to him or to anyone else, but then again, why would you? it was a moment shared, one where you were (not at all) tipsy off a single drink at the bar, and he had done the same. so what's there to talk about? misread signals and awkward encounters with the poor teenager on staff who found the two of you pressed into the corner of a gas station hallway? you did end up getting that coffee afterward though. it was nice enough, you suppose. tasted too much like mint and ash for your liking.

even if you did care enough to mention it, it's not like anything would come out of it. you aren't sure you even really want anything to either.

fucked up feelings and bad decisions are your forte, but you don't wanna bring that into this brand new friend group when you have no other options in this godforsaken town. you got your impulse decision though, and with it came a slew of possibilities of what effect this could have on your friendship with san, with the group, your life in this town — it spirals out of control too fast for your liking. and when the nights grow old and fall far into morning territory, your brain likes to depict those thoughts like a poorly written play.

there's one moment of weakness that happens two days after, one that you aren't proud of in the slightest. in short, yunho finds you seated in an empty bathtub at two in the morning, spaced out and on the verge of tears.

the longer and more convoluted explanation would be that you received another text from yeonjun that was full of pleas for a response and him asking you to not throw away what's left of your relationship (in kinder, gentler words). that alone would have been enough to take you out of commission for the night, but you got your yearly call from your dad around midnight because of your time differences.

you don't hate the man, nor do you have a particularly bad relationship with him; it's just that talking with him leaves you thinking about other things that are far less than pleasant and harder to deal with, so avoiding it entirely is often your choice. you ignored his first call in fact, but the second came through and you knew he would be insistent.

after that, well, yunho came in for his late-night bathroom trip and his soul nearly left his body seeing you in there with the lights off. it would have been amusing if not for the dismal mood.

less than a week later, you start seeing a therapist. it's on your aunt's command and the result of your first argument with the woman since you arrived. yunho called it 'trouble in paradise'; you knew it to be a ticking time bomb. and frankly, your aunt did bring up several valid points. first: you sit around and do nothing all day unless you feel like going out with yunho or to the grocery store. true to a fault. second: all you do when home alone is watch television. not completely true because you sometimes do your laundry or cook something, but still true enough. third: you simply seem physically, mentally, and emotionally unwell.

that was what triggered the argument. the direct attack had hit you like a brick being hurdled across the room even though you were standing two feet away from your aunt at the time. it was enough of a wake-up call to get you to listen to her pleas, coupled with the edge of desperation in her voice as she explained how she just wants you to be okay. it lands you in a cold and hard cushioned chair beside a woman who sits with one leg crossed over the other and glasses perched on the tip of her nose. she always looks the same every time you go, the only differences lying in her outfits and hairstyles.

"i suppose i'm feeling lost right now."

"because of what, y/n?"

you wave a dismissive hand through the air, untucking your foot from where it currently sits underneath your other leg, and you press it to the floor like it will do something to ground you.