the most brilliant darkness;; jwy, csan

07

in the weeks that follow, that cafe becomes like a second home to you, as much as the hotel on the outskirts of town.

the blossoming feelings you have towards wooyoung are hard to wrestle with. it's the new and exciting feeling of a crush, one that permeates the air around you and leaves you giddy when you so much as think about seeing him again. and yet...

and yet you still end up with your face pressed into the mattress and silk sheets billowing around you as san fucks you night after night, an unending and inescapable cycle you can't seem to break. those nights are becoming more and more frequent too, something you're loathe to admit because it's scary to, and even yunho has stopped asking where you've been when you come home the next day more than twice a week. in your defense, you don't always come home late from the hotel, or stay the night there wrapped up in san's arms. sometimes you come home from cafe aurora after a similar, yet quite quite different kind of evening that consists of you and wooyoung playing cards or board games or watching shows together ron his far too small phone screen. they're two sides to the same coin in a lot of ways. you don't know which side you want it to land on.

the emotional part of you calls san's name, simply because you've done this long enough to become attached even if he isn't.

the logical side says that wooyoung treats you better without even needed to be in a physical relationship with you, just without the guarantee that he's attracted to you in any way.

life might be fine and dandy on the outside, but inside this hotel room, you think it's falling apart around you again. if you're left to pick up the pieces alone, then you'll accept that duty for what it is, as long as it means not losing san in the process. he at least seems like the type to not let feelings get in the way of friendships.

right now, though, your throat is burning and dry from overuse, and towards the tail end of a second round with san, your moans weren't even coming out because of how hoarse your throat became. he's moving around better than you are; you're still planted on your back on the mattress, sprawled out and exhausted. you won't shower yet — there's still more to come in a few hours so it'd be pointless to clean yourself before san intends to dirty you again.

"make sure you go to the bathroom." san helps you out of the bed, a hand coming to rest on the lower part of your back as he guides you to the bathroom attached to the hotel room. "i'm gonna brush my teeth."

he stays in the room with you even when you sit down on the toilet. silence passes between you two. he grabs his toothbrush, squeezing a bit of minty colored paste onto the tip of the brush then running it under the faucet water. it isn't until he has the brush shoved between his mouth and scrubbing harshly at his teeth that you decide to speak up, and even then, you aren't why you decide to talk at all.

"what are we doing?"

a heavy question, one that's coming a little late — both literally in terms of the day and figuratively in terms of how long the two of you have been at this. san blinks over at you through the reflection of the mirror. he shrugs.

"making bad decisions and trying to justify them by saying it'll get better with time." san says the words so casually, like it's nothing and it's nonchalant in a way that almost makes your skin crawl. he knows what he's doing and where he stands. he knows what this all means to him, but do you? and even if you knew how you felt, would it be the same as him or different?

then again, it shouldn't come as much of a surprise to you. san wouldn't take you to some hotel on the outskirts of town — even if it's a pricey one with velvet and room service that makes you feel important — if he actually saw this going somewhere. he wouldn't go out of his way to hide this from mingi or yunho, nor would he tell hongjoong to mind his own business nor would he get pissed at seonghwa for calling out some of his less than savory behaviors. he wouldn't need to do that if he wanted anything more out of this, right?