the most brilliant darkness;; jwy, csan

09

when you watch movies — the ones that reach their climax on a rainy night with the main leads hanging each other out to dry and yelling in each other's faces — you always put yourself in their shoes for a few moments. wonder what you would be like in that situation, how you would handle it, what you would say. after your breakup with yeonjun, who was the first real and serious partner you had, you decided those movies were simply a fantasy for sad people to feel okay. the couple always ends up back together after hurling hurtful and toxic words at each other. you know it's a romanticized way of depicting love and how it works, but as you follow san up to your usual hotel room tonight, you can't help but feel as though you are going up to sign your fate away like those movies.

if you're being honest with yourself (which is rare) it didn't take much thought for you to make this decision. hongjoong was right in a lot of ways. you shockingly aren't too proud to admit that.

the hard part is leaving san in the dark like this. your initial plan was to bring it up the second you got in his car, but there's rain, and it was loud on the windshield so you used that as an excuse to postpone the conversation until later. then you told yourself you would bring it up before he got a chance to kiss you and before he tried to initiate any sort of sexual activities.

that, as well, went out the window in the blink of an eye.

frankly you know you aren't being as responsive or engaged as usual, you aren't as loud with your moans as he touches you, and your mind is clearly elsewhere. san's answer to those issues is simply to fuck you harder like he's trying to knock the thoughts clear out of your head. it doesn't work, of course. you give him points for trying though — it would have made this all so much easier.

as usual, you go out onto the balcony with san after round two, sitting out on the covered balcony and listening to the rain fall around you. perhaps you should have studied poetry and literature in college because you'd almost say that the sky is crying for you tonight.

"san."

"hm?" his cigarette dangles at the corner of his mouth. the smoke spins little webs up to the ceiling, and they're mesmerizing in the way that a pendulum swinging back and forth is.

"can we talk?"

"you're talking now."

you've said all of four words and you already want to sob, but the grave has been dug. you might as well bury yourself in it.

"i love you."

san goes so still that you think you've put him into shock or he's straight up died on the spot. then, he takes a prolonged drag from his cigarette.

"no, you don't."

yeah. you're right. on any other night, you would offer that in response because it's an easy out and makes san happy enough to not take a fourth cigarette from his pack.

"i do."

"you like wooyoung."

"and i love you."

san pulls his hand down with cigarette balancing between his index and middle fingers. his sharp gaze searches yours, and tonight you muster the courage to stare directly back at him.

"kinda sick, isn't it? loving me while liking another man?"

"don't start with that."

"with what, y/n? you're the one who started this."

"that's a close-minded and ancient view of love."

"okay. i believe you." you swallow hard at the lump in your throat. san blinks once, twice, three times, then says, "i'm sorry for saying that. there's nothing wrong with it or you. you can like whoever you want to like, i told you that already. i didn't mean to lash out at you."