herophine - Trouvaille

Chapter 44

Crosby, Liverpool - England, 2027

In a blink of an eye, March is already here. Josephine is turning into a professional on the daily routines.

They all keep walking to school every morning, of course. That's like a sacred ritual for them now. However, they have made some changes in the afternoons. The days that Sofía's soccer practice matches with her dad's, Jo waits at the bleachers until her daughter finishes and then they both wait for Hero just like they had been doing the past weeks. The couple of days that Sofía didn't have soccer practice, before Josephine came to Crosby,  it was Mercy who picked her up from school and babysat her. Now, it's Jo who does it. But she doesn't babysit Sofía, she picks up her daughter from school and takes care of her as the mother she is. 

And they have even added a new routine, a routine that only belongs to mother and daughter. They walk after school to a coffee shop, have a warm chocolate drink and talk. They talk about anything and everything at the same time. As simple as it may seem their conversations, it is another big step on their relationship. 

Sofía usually asks her things own her age that she wants to know about her mom. Such as her favorite color, what food she hates, what ice-cream flavour she loves, if spiders scare her... They are easy questions and Jo enjoys answering them, while she asks the six year old simultaneously. Nevertheless, Josephine could sometimes swear that there is a person of ten decades of age hiding in that little body of six years.

It's still a bit cold even though the winter is coming to an end, but they are sitting on the terrace table from the coffee shop drinking their delicious chocolate. They won't be staying much longer though, they have to be home soon today. 

Josephine feels an enormous tenderness when she sees Sofía's mouth dirty from the drink. But before she has time to clean her up with a tissue, Sofía asks one of that questions of her that really makes her a person of ten decades of age.

- Josephine, can I ask you something?

"Jo" and "mommy" are more and more in a tie, although "mommy" is clearly winning each day that passes by. But when Sofía uses her forename, she knows that it's because she feels uncomfortable. And, Jo senses that she is also going to feel a bit uncomfortable answering.

- You said you were sick when I was born and that is why you left, right?

Very uncomfortable.

- What was aching you?

She thinks that if she tells her that what it hurt was her soul, Sofía won't understand it. But Jo has no clue on how to explain what a depression is to a little girl, if she just started understanding it herself only some months ago. Josephine has promised herself that her daughter will always get the truth, so she takes a sip while thinking how to explain it.

- Well, the problem was that nothing ached me. - As she suspected, Sofía frowns. - For example, I was not happy when you were moving inside my belly and I knew it was not okay. 

Josephine barely gives her an explanation of what a depression is. 

- And, how did you get well?

Jo starts suspecting that knowing what happened to her is not the final aim of her questions.

- I took a medicine that helped me and I also talked very often with a doctor called Laura, who helped me understand what was happening to me.

One day her daughter will know the complete truth, and Josephine hopes that by then she has already been able to explain her everything herself.

- Could you get sick again?

Jo fears in that moment the path that their conversation is taking. Because normally yes, the clinical depression turns into a cyclic process in the life who suffers it. Thanks to her psychologist, Josephine is able to identify the alarm symptoms, try to control her anxiety attacks and ask for help. Knowledge is her weapon more powerful right now, but inevitably there exists a chance that she relapses. And it scares her a lot. Feel nothing again or feeling such darkness around her, and not being able to find the exit door.

She promised the truth.

- Yes... I could. 

Sofía thinks in silence and gets to the final aim she wanted to get since the beginning with her questions.

- So, if you get sick again... will you stop loving me?

Josephine wants to deny it with shouts and tell her that she didn't know what incondicional love was before meeting her. Not even with her parents or with Hero. Josephine wants to assure her that neither a depression nor a thousand monsters, will separate them.

Yet, she can't do that. 

- I will never stop loving you. - She softly explains to her, the cold chocolates forgotten on the table. - But... maybe some day I won't be able to demonstrate it to you, and I will need you to trust me if that ever happens.

She is asking to a six year old kid to jump, when that ever happens, into the void with her eyes closed. 

If Jo believed in wishes from shooting stars, she would stay all night looking for one until she sees it to avoid such pain in her daughter, Hero or her parents. But, the truth is that she doesn't believe in wishes or miracles... For that reason, she can only hug Sofía, now that the child lets her do it, and promise her that there is nothing she loves most than her.

_____________________

Hii, 

hope everyone is doing okay!

first of all, i want to apologize if i offend someone when talking about depression in the way i do. I don't have deep knowledge about it and just write about it for the story plot, so i apologize about that...

✨good news (if you like my story)✨: i said a few chapters ago that there were like 7-10 chapters maximum left. however, i've decided that i will keep writing as long as my imagination lets me!

thanks for your support! comment your opinion, i'd love to read it!

Xx.