Born to Ride

Chapter 21

It's been a while since Bonnie and have spent time. But here we are on the porch swing. That is about all the out door related activities she is willing to part take in. She is reading a magazine as I take the time to polish my boots. I decided to take the day off, every guy needs a break once in a while. It's been a bit rocky with Bonnie lately, she seems to be more tensed than usual. As I finish up polishing my boots, I try to make small talk with Bonnie. "What are you up to the rest of today?"
"Probably go back home. Not really sure. And you?" She asks without looking up from her magazine.
"Probably sleep early. My dad wants me and Clover make rounds again. The strawberry picking festival shouldn't get pushed back again." I say putting some of the polishing material back in its box.
Bonnie puts her magazine down, "With Clover?"
I pause knowing I messed up. It wasn't supposed to be a secret. But maybe I shouldn't have mention Clover.
"Why her again?! Can't you work with someone else for a change?"
"Bonnie, she is just a friend."
"It doesn't look like that."
"Bonnie, I don't know what more you want. You're my girlfriend, not Clover."
"I bet you wish it was her not me."
"What?! Why would you say that?"
"Because!" She throws her hands downward.
"Because what?!"
"We've been dating for a while and I don't see a ring on my finger."
Marriage? I've realize that was on her mind, not mine.
"Bonnie, I-"
"Why are you hesitating?
"Because, this is not something you just do."
"We've been dating for a while. It's not like we met yesterday. Are you hesitating because of her?"
"No, she has nothing to do with this."
"Ever since she got here, you've spend time with her and not me."
"Bonnie, she is working here. I live here."
"So you are never going to marry me?"
"I don't know."
"Because of her."
"No"
"Then?! When?"
"I don't know."
"Fine," She start walking towards her car. "Maybe we should just break up."

After Bonnie left, I started to wonder around the fields, my mind is in the conversation I had with Bonnie. I don't want to break up but marriage isn't something I want to do right now. As I approach the house returning from my walk, I see Clover sitting on the porch swing.
"Hey," I approach Clover
"Hey, cowboy," She looks up from her laptop.
We sit in silence and just look at the abyss. I don't think either one knows what to say. Dinner was awkward. Especially with Bonnie's outburst. It's been very clear that Bonnie has problem with Clover being here.
"I am thinking of getting married," I blur out.
Clover doesn't move, she just keeps looking forward. It takes a few minutes for her to say something, "What you want me to say?"
"I don't know." What did I want her to say? There is not much for her to say really. May be congrats? "Maybe that I am doing the right thing."
She thinks about it, "I don't think that's for me to decide."

***

What am I doing? As an adult you might think that life is moving as you grow, but really maturity stays behind. Talking with clover yesterday makes me regret telling her. I don't know what i did tell her. There was no reason for me to. Bonnie wants to get married. Why? We have a good thing now don't we. If I marry Bonnie, we will live here and maybe run a ranch of our own. Or would we? Bonnie doesn't like the ranch life, she has made that pretty clear, but I don't see myself leaving this place. This is my home, my grandfathers land. This is home to me. Does she know if I marry her, she will living here? Or is she expecting us to move? Now that I think about it, Bonnie has always mention about moving. She does not want to live here, at least in the future, she has mention before she doesn't plan to live here.
As I pass by Clover's bedroom, in which is staying while she in town. She had the door open while she is lying on the bed reading a book. I knock and she tells me to come in. I sit next to her on her bed.
"You know what we talked about yesterday?" I try to direct the conversation to what I want to talk about.
"Yeah, you getting married." She puts her book down but continues to lie down.
"What if I told you, I don't want to get married."
She shrugs, "You dont' have to get married now. I think it natural to have doubts when you doing a big decision like that."
"Its not that, well yes but not necessary that. I am having doubts but its not about what I am doing. It's about who I am doing it with."
She furrows her eyebrows before looking at me, "What? Why are you doing someone you are not sure if you want to get married to? You know its only natural for someone to expect marriage if they have been dating for a while. Any girlfriend would want to get married at some point. If you are not ready to marry right now. Then don't but you have to realize if it's not now it will be later."
"I realize that now. I was just waiting. I thought I had more time to think about this."
"Waiting? Waiting for what?" She questions me.
To be honest, I don't know. Maybe to get over her. Use Bonnie a girl who is the opposite of Clover to help me get over Clover. Or maybe forget about her. Or more like waiting for Clover to come back. And once she did, everything would make sense. Maybe I was just trying to kill time with Bonnie.
This time she sits up, "Maybe this is what they call cold feet. But only you can decide what it is you want and who you want to do it with. I can't tell you that even if I want things to be different." She wrap her arm around me to comfort me.
"I wish things were different." I let her hug me like if she were my mother comforting me. I already know what to do. It's always been, Clover. It's her now and before and after. She gives me a smile making me feel weak on the knees. The reason why I want things to be different is her.