I don't think I want to leave you here alone

Every time that I miss you, I feel the way you hurt

Language warning- there's just a little swearing lol. Also I know I said Phil was next, but I accidentally wrote Techno first, sry😭. I hope you enjoy:). Also, I finally made a cover lol lmk now u feel ab it😅

Techno remembers the late night video chats with Tommy expressing his fears. His fear of letting people down, his fear of his grades suffering do to his lifestyle, his fear of being recognized in public, and his fear of dying.

Techno had always thought that the last one was a bit silly. Why would a teenager be so worried about dying?- it wouldn't happen anytime soon. It shouldn't have. He would always laugh it off telling him not to worry about it, making digs at him for being a child. Not noticing until now his resigned look. He should have noticed.

Tommy was always a great conversationalist. He could carry the conversation with Techno, who was slightly antisocial and very short with his responses. Talking to people sometimes felt like a chore for Techno, but never with Tommy. With Tommy he never had to worry about it being awkward or being judged for his introvertedness.

With Tommy he was never uncomfortable. He never felt like he had to force replies on his off-days. Tommy was content to even be on call with the Technoblade-one of his idols-even if they were just silently playing video games.

What Techno would give to be on call with Tommy again. He would give the world to listen to Tommy's shrieking laughter through discord again.

Coming to the UK for an SBI meet up was supposed to be a fun time. He was supposed to finally meet up with his internet family in person, but now the whole thing left a sour taste in his mouth.

Tommy had just seemed so off throughout the day. How could Techno not notice what was going on? He just thought the kid had been over-excited the night before, probably getting little sleep. He never thought for a second that he could be fucking dying.

In hindsight this was just one of the multitude of ways he had failed him. Calling him annoying, making jabs at him for being so weak, and just sitting by and watching as he worked himself into the ground. Tommy was terrified of letting them down. He was terrified of letting him down.

The truth couldn't be any farther from that. He could never let him down. Tommy had grown so much just throughout the last year. Surpassing him in subscribers, branching out into vlogs, and even meeting up with bigger content creators.

He used to watch those vlogs with a fond smile and pride bubbling in his chest. Techno now realizes that those vlogs were probably a way for him to knock a few things off of his bucket list before dying. Now he can't watch those with a fond smile anymore, only tearing up whenever he sees Tommy take a a second to breathe, or wheeze with laughter.

Techno had never been great with emotions. He doesn't know how to handle them and this is just a huge implode of emotions he didn't know how to deal with. Grief, anger, sadness, and over-all disappointment. Disappointment in himself for not noticing, disappointment in Wilbur for reacting the way he did and blocking Tommy, and disappointment in the rest of the SMP for ignoring Tommy's apology.

The kid was trying to reach out, why didn't they answer? Why didn't he?

Techno can't help but try to imagine how Tommy felt when death overcame him. Did he feel scared? Alone? Abandoned?

Did Techno make him feel abandoned?

Techno feels abandoned. How could Tommy leave them so soon? How could Tommy leave them at all? Techno still remembers when Phil had called him in hysterics. Crying about Tommy and then hanging up to answer Wilbur without explaining.

Techno didn't find out about Tommy's death until he got the funeral invitation. God. That's so fucked.

Techno had to buy a suit for the funeral, having not brought one to the UK not thinking he'd need it. It took six hours. He couldn't stop crying every time he tried one on knowing that the funeral made it official. He was dead.

Tommy is dead.

A few days go by and it's the day of the funeral. Tommy's funeral. Techno arrives at the church and sits down in an overly-hard and uncomfortable pew. What the hell is he doing? Sitting here complaining about the level of comfort when Tommy is dead.

It's all too surreal. Techno sees some familiar faces, multiple people flying out to the funeral. He sees Ranboo rubbing a crying Tubbo's back, he sees Kristen embracing a sniffling Phil, he sees Dream and Sapnap hanging out by the door, just staring and not making a move to sit anytime soon. But worst of all, he sees no Wilbur. Wilbur who was supposed to talk about Tommy and his life.

What kind of selfish asshole doesn't even show, especially the one chosen to speak. Techno furiously reaches into his suit pocket and snatches up his phone.

Sunday: 9:00am
The Blade: where the actual fuck are you?

This is selfish get your ass over here.

You know he would want you to talk.

Whatever. Ignore me. Ignore Tommy.

That last text may have been a bit harsh but damn him if Wilbur didn't need to hear it.

When people begin to pay their respects it is too much for him. Techno remains glued to his seat. He can't see him like this, he can't see him lying there in that wooden box, he can't see him dead. 

The funeral is a morbid affair. The thunder storm outside while they lower his casket is strangely comforting. It seems like the world is acknowledging Tommy, acknowledging his death, acknowledging is life and what he left behind.

It's a strange comfort knowing that Tommy still matters. That he didn't just disappear without a trace.

The plane ride home is for lack of better words, gross. It seems grossly insensitive to be flying home to go on with his life, when Tommy can't continue his.

Techno will continue living, because he knows it's what Tommy would want. He will go through the motions, attending class and forcing himself to eat and shower. Techno can't truly live without Tommy.