Pheromones: A Darren Criss Fanfic

CHAPTER TEN

The next morning I awoke with a smile already on my face. The night had ended perfectly. Darren and I danced for about an hour, continuing even after the radio began to cut in and out. Then he made music for us by humming softly. I had never felt so close to someone in that way before. It was so pure and innocent. Just thinking about it made my smile grow as I layed in bed. I felt as if I could sense everything, as if I knew that I was starting to pay more attention to everything. I could feel every soft stitch of the cotton sheets, I could hear the pitter patter of the raindrops falling sporadically, I could still smell the linger of Darren's scent pouring into my room. I felt so alive.

I stretched and sighed contently to myself before sitting up and heading into the living room. What I found shouldn't have shocked me, but it did. The couch was empty, the blankets folded and resting on one of the arms. There was no indication left over that Darren stayed the night besides the radio that sat perfectly centered on the coffee table. He was just gone. I felt a pull on my heartstrings, but I ignored it and blinked back tears that hadn't even formed yet.

Showering helped me relax under the steaming water. After I got out, I threw my wet hair up in a messy bun and put on a little makeup. I was trying my hardest to not let Darren leaving get to me. Different excuses raced through my brain as I tried to convince myself of why he left. He didn't have any clean clothes at my place, he needed to get cleaned up, he had errands to run before work, he went out to get something to eat....

As usual, I walked to the studio, my pace a little slower than usual. I knew I would be late, but for some reason I just didn't have the motivation to care about anything other than what had been on my mind all morning. Eventually I got up to the large, metal door of my work and froze. I stared at the door knowing very well who was waiting for me from within. My breathing was coming in short waves, my chest feeling heavy. I didn't understand what was wrong with me. I just needed to reach up, put my hand on the door handle and walk inside. That's all it took.

After a few minutes, someone was on their way out and held the door open for me. I stepped one foot inside with hesitation and subconsciously thanked them. One deep breath was all I needed to allow myself to continue with nervous steps all the way to the conference room. Darren was already inside, joking and laughing with Mr. Cipriano. His huge smile lit up the entire room, his eyes crinkling at the corners. My insides felt fuzzy as I looked at him, at his pure perfection.

Not wanting them to notice that I was standing outside the glass doors, I let myself inside. Immediately, Darren's eyes touched mine and I could feel my cheeks turning bright pink, my eyes wide with embarrassment. Everytime he would look at me I knew that I would just remember the night befire when he had held me so intimately. I felt like I was going to be sick.

"Caroline. Glad you decided to join us," Mr. Cipriano said in a slightly mocking tone.

"Sorry that I'm late." I took my usual seat at the side of the table.

"And are you ready to work today?"

I looked up at Darren through my lashes as I flipped open my script. He wasn't even looking at me like he usually was, and I became increasingly more and more afraid that he had left early in order to avoid me. "I am, sir." My voice shook.

Probably hearing the anxiety in my voice, Mr. Cipriano didn't tease me about calling him "sir." Instead, he just spoke in his naturally strong voice. "Let's get right into it then."

Running the lines in front of the director in such a public place was so different from how it was at my apartment. I was still nervous, but for a completely different reason. Darren was an amazing actor and he read the lines like he meant them, but something about him was off. I couldn't pin point it, but I could tell. It just felt awkward and rehearsed to a point and what I had seen in his eyes the night before was gone.

My mind started racing all over again. Had I done something wrong? Had I said something a little too persona that had frightened him? Was how close we got too fast? What happened? All I could do was worry. He left early and then he just started acting different. It couldn't just be a coincidence.

I felt my heart begin to race when he whispered his line, "Let this happen." He began to lean in to kiss me and my body froze. I didn't move into the kiss; I simply allowed his mouth to brush mine and back away. This time he didn't hesitate. The kiss barely lasted a second, and although my body still tingled whenever he touched me, I could tell that the passion in him had disappeared. It left me with a bitter taste in my mouth and a pit in my stomach. I hoped that we wouldn't have to rehearse the scene again.

During our break, I stared at Darren. I couldn't help it. Last night I had felt as if I really knew him. But now I didn't know him at all. He seemed edgy almost, as if the world was going to come crashing down at any given moment. I knew that I needed to just confront him and find out what was bothering him. I took another deep breath, finding my courage, and approached him.

"Are you alright?" I had to speak quietly to keep my voice steady.

Darren looked up at me, the green in his eyes becoming more aparent as the sun shined into them. He blurted, "I don't think we should rehearse lines outside of the studio anymore."

My heart stopped. I knew this had something to do with me this entire time, and he just admitted it. "Okay."

He nodded. "Okay." Then he looked away, giving me an empty feeling through my entire body once more.

I couldn't help myself, couldn't stop myself from asking. "Why?"

A sigh escaped Darren's lips. I had never seen him like this before. "I don't think...Well, my girlfriend wouldn't like it very much."

Girlfriend. Girlfriend? It was the first I was hearing of another girl. My stomach dropped. It was me that the world was crumbling apart on. I realized that Darren might have been waiting for a response, so I forced myself to squeak out the words, "I didn't realize that you were seeing someone."

"Yeah, we've been together for two years now."

My heart sunk even lower in my chest as it began feeling heavier and heavier. "Oh. Well, that's a good amount of time." I just had to pretend that it wasn't Darren I was talking to. I couldn't look at him and then I would be able to pull through with the conversation.

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw him look down. "Yeah, she's great," was all he could say.

It all made sense in that moment. He left early because he knew that he shouldn't have stayed overnight in another girl's apartment; especially one playing his love interest in a movie. He was acting weird then because he couldn't help but feel guilty. And now he was telling me about his girlfriend because he wanted to set boundaries for me. I couldn't wrap my mind entirely around the idea, but the facts were obviously there, written in black ink.

I stood, unable to sit by his side a moment longer. My heart was broken. It was broken because I broke it. It was my fault that I lead myself to believe that a guy as handsome, as sweet, as talented, as perfect as Darren could be single and even have a sliver of interest in me. It was me. I made the whole thing up in my mind. "I'm glad." Then I walked away. I knew that I must have sounded bitter, but I just couldn't make myself believe it, not a single word of it.

The rest of rehearsal just felt awkward. I was even less into it than I was before I got the news. Darren's eyes looked extra round and extra sad and it took everything in me to avoid looking into them. Instead, I began to stare at his nose to get through scenes. Even that part of him was perfect. But I didn't care; I couldn't. After rehearsal had finally come to a close, I walked out of the building without a word. I was done.