Last night I got stoned. And had the most profound experience watching quite the interesting show I had the title Russian doll. In the show a character would die and then would respawn, and it filled me with such existential dread. In the show there were two people, one who killed himself, and because of that he had baggage I suppose you could say, and the other protagonist had an abusive mother in the beginning of Life, so she lived her life hedonistically, with almost no regard to her own safety, she didn't care at all about self-preservation at all. This really got me thinking... and my thoughts feel sort of dumb now because I was stoned at the time but because I was stoned at the time I thought that they were really quite intelligent. But, basically, I was thinking a little about how much I valued my own life and how I had thought of taking it in the past. But I didn't really come to any ends on why I should value my life, I just knew that I needed to evaluate why I shouldn't just off myself because death is horrible thing. Actually; now that I think more about it remember what I was thinking about the dude who killed himself (the other protagonist). I didn't actually think too much about suicide with him, but rather the reason that he killed himself. He killed himself because his girlfriend was cheating on him. And they were so in love, but the trauma of her betraying him caused him to take his own life. And all I could really think was dear God; I hope my girlfriend doesn't cheat on me in the future and I don't end up like that guy. And with the woman who had an abusive mother; I was thinking dear God I don't want to ever cause a child to go through what she did when she was younger. So really the ends that I came to from contemplating such dark topics was that I need to work to improve my life, so that I don't end up like the woman's mother. And I need to work to get to the Czech Republic so that I can be with my girlfriend and make sure that we live happily ever after.
