the wish to be beautiful

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It feels like a sickness, the wish to be beautiful. Perhaps being trans is a mental illness... Last night I forced myself to puke because I hate how muscular my arms are. Perhaps taking hormones would make me happy, but the masculine side of me says nay, my gentle masculinity is a gift, and yet... It feels like a curse. I feel vain, and my wish for beauty feels like an illness.

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