✔︎ SLOWLY • jake

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small droplets of rain fell from the grey sky the same time my tears fell from my

cheeks.

jake was still there, whispering things that I could no longer hear because of the rain.

the grey hoodie he wore was already soaking wet,

his soft brown hair were dripping,

but still,

he remained unfazed.

i neared him,

only to notice that the once sparkling eyes are now glimmering with sadness and despair.

i hate the sight of it.

oh Jake,

if only i could remove the pain in your eyes.

if only i could let you know that I'm here,

it wouldn't even take a second for me to do all of those.

but the problem is that— i can't.

a long heavy sigh came out of those plump lips,

before he took a step back

and another step away from my gravestone.

i should be letting him go,

i should be watching him take a different path away from me.

but why?

why are my feet betraying me?

it continued to ignore my pleads to stop,

and i continued to walk beside jake.

perhaps it was no longer my mind that's controlling it,

perhaps it's my pounding heart.

no, i believe that I'm just worried about him.

i believe that i just don't want see him for the last time with those hopeless eyes,

i know I'll let go of him once the stars in his eyes are back.

but then, are my beliefs really true?

or is it just a lie I'm telling to myself?

i couldn't think further

as i hurried to sit beside jake inside his white car–

just like how i always used to.

we were never the stay-at-home lovers,

we were always out for road trips.

and even with our laziest days?

we'll always have drive-thru dates.

"let's go, love?" i giddily smiled and hastily pulled the buckle–

i was so used to being in the passenger seat,

complaining about the reckless drivers we encounter,

and playing our favourite songs on the stereo—

that the realisation of me no longer having the ability to do all of those,

hurts me.

i was supposed to be fine with dying,

i'm supposed to be the same person as that version of me back at my 2nd death anniversary,

so why am i crying?

"let's go." without a doubt,

i heard jake mutter—

and tell the same, usual phrase he'd always respond to me.

did he... hear me?

or.... did he refuse to let go of that small interaction between us?

it makes me feel confused.

should i feel bad or happy?

i don't want him to hold on to me,

because even if i flip the world upside down–

i'll never be with him again.

but also, at the same time,

i don't want to give up the habits we made as we found comfort in each other's presence.

i'm guilty for being happy deep inside,

that he's still answering a question he can no longer hear.

jake, don't do this to me.

if you continue to confuse me and jumble my feelings up like this–

how will i be able to let you go?