Eva

Chapter 20

Alex speeds all the way to my home and I don't bother to tell him to slow down.

I know my father wasn't there when I was younger but he's here now.

He's never raised his hands to hit me.

Hell, he's never even acknowledged me. But I know he was just too drunk and overestimated his bloody effect.

I huff and cross my arms as anger flushes to my face. Alex doesn't know the life I had to live, maybe he's mad at me. Maybe about how I'm such an idiot and should have left to live out on the streets instead of staying there. I frown at all the thoughts that cloud my mind.

What could a rich kid know about pain? Fear? Void? Rejection?

I beat myself over my decision everyday. It was a debate between my freedom and death and I chose death. I couldn't leave the familiarity and reassurance that abyss provided. The thought of releasing the only thing I've known killed me so I stayed and for that, I paid.

My eyes roam over to look at him. His tattooed arm grip on the wheel with his body shifted towards the door, while he leans on his chin with his other hand. As if his body senses my roaming, it flinches while my eyes move back to looking ahead at the road. He shifts his weight and arms, opening his body towards me.

His authoritative voice forcibly comes out, "Your father is still a piece of shit, Eva. Even if he wasn't abusive then- Do not make excuses for him now."

It makes my insides turn and the thought of his authority over me makes me squeeze my thighs. However, I maul over his words in my mind and don't respond to him. I just sigh and shake my head.

What the hell is wrong with you? Now is not the time! Get it together!

I try to explain in a calm tone, "I'm striving to not place blame on anyone. I don't want that shit to eat me alive. I-"

"You're fucking wrong if you think he can just up and leave!" Alex spits. He looks to me then back at the road. The engine roars as the car speeds up causing my head to jerk back.

I take a puff of air and release the anger onto him, "Don't you think I'm upset, Alex!" His jaw clenches and I pull my voice back in a whisper, "You don't know a damn thing, rich boy. Don't pretend you do."

I turn my face away from his vision and stare at the window.

I've decided my mind wants to shut down, so if he wants to have this conversation, he's not getting a thing out of me. I know what the kids said about me at my old school. I know what the people said about my family and I. I was so sick of the noises those insects made so when the state said I had a home at my father's, I took it.

I paid the price for living with the devil and I wind up living with another one. The price for that hell was different but this is still the abyss. Like I said, I know naught of anything but this and I don't think I'll be able to crawl out of this one either.

I just want to rest my mind. However that changes when I look back up.

All the headlights of cars are shining in our space and my mind senses fear and panic sets off. My body can't cope and it starts to breathe faster and tremble on site. The beating in my chest races without a command and I can't stop it. My eyes scan the road, analyzing cars speeding by and the thought of crashing makes me want to cry.

I feel as if I lost all control.

My throat tries to grasp the air it can't get and my hands clenches down on the car's interior.

"Alex," I wheezed.

I blink my eyes dramatically, my vision is blurry, and my throat feels like it can close any second as if I'm having an allergic reaction.

I make out the words and say in between breaths, "Slow. Down." I lift my left hand to push against my chest, supposing that'll keep the pressure down.

I  feel of the car manuver to the side of the road, coming to a halt and hear a seat belt click.

"Eva, hey." Alex whispers.

My breathe lets out through my mouth and  his hands caress my face.

"You're having a panic attack, close your eyes. Try to breathe in through your nose and breathe out through your mouth." He says so caring low.

I hear him open his door, is he really leaving me?

My eyes are still closed and the tears stain my face. I sit there, trying to gain control of a body that does not feel like mine.

The cold air rushes in from my side and it registers the door was pried open. My mind searches for Alex's voice when he tells me, "I'm going to pull your seat back so you're laying flat."

I don't answer him. I can't.

"I'm here," He takes my hand in his as his thumb rubs over to soothe me. "Continue to do what I told you, okay?"

Peace and calmness is nowhere present in my mind. My uncontrollable sobs come through as if my body won't register that I'm okay. I hear Alex's calming shushes and I can't seem to open my eyes to look at him.

It seems I was placed in a small glass box and no way out for hours on end. Finally when tranquility comes, my groggy mind finally comprehends and relishes all the panicky feelings away.

When my eyes open, I see Alex back in his seat. His left hand is tugging at his hair as the rest of his body tries not to be distressed. I follow his other hand and see his fingertips are just lightly resting on my thigh. I go to admire at His shoulders and arms without his knowledge. They're defined musclaurlly laced with black ink which my mind demands to know the representation behind them.

I take a deep breath while shifting my weight and his head snaps back to me.

"Hey..." He starts, "Maybe you should wait to get up."

"I'm okay," I go to fix my seat back up and look down at his hand. He notices and removes it.

"My bad," He says.

I gulp. I didn't want him to remove it, his comfort is something I crave now.

"Thanks..." I whisper.

He nods at me and starts his car again.

"How long?"

"Twenty minutes," He answers.

It felt like a lifetime. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to waste your time."

He shakes his head, "It wasn't a waste of time, Eva." He looks offended and scrunches his brows.

I take a deep breath and return the same look.

He looks away and drives off, this time driving slower.

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HI! I'm backish! :) how has everyone been?

I've been writing when I'm taking a break from school! I decided to push some new chapters out.

If you're still here, thank you!! The support is miraculous, I love you babes ❤️

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- A